On my way home last Saturday, he played the song: Anna Begins in his car. I’ve always liked listening to this. I remember for about a month how many years back, August and Everything After was the only album playing in my car. For some reason, Counting Crows made me feel mellow. It relieved me of the stress from driving in this country-It helped me cuss less at the idiotic motorists that I would come across. I didn’t pay much attention to the lyrics of their songs, but since they sounded good, I sang them anyway.
But for some reason that Saturday afternoon, that song struck a nerve. The lyrics hit me in a way that never did before. It made me realize that I was in a situation that I was not ready to handle. I thought I could because this was not the first time I’ve ever been in one. I have developed a defense mechanism that prevented me from getting emotionally involved. I’ve always been a carefree person and it was always about having fun-no strings attached. Whenever I felt that things were getting intense, I would retreat and move on to other adventures. Things were easier that way. I’ve worried far too much and been disappointed over and over. So I’m sick of it and I’ve pretty much had enough. Never put your feelings on the line. It’s like gambling where the stakes are high-it’s either you’re a big winner or a sore loser and it’s hard to earn back whatever you’ve lost. And I’m not ready to take that risk-well at least, not yet.
I know that life involves a lot of risks and if you want to live and grow as a person, you’ve got to take them. I don’t know when I’ll be ready. I’m still trying to build a relationship with myself and this situation isn’t helping. Oh, and it’s scaring the shit out of me! I have to get myself out of this before it gets any deeper. But I’m sure that eventually, I’ll be brave enough to take them again-knowing very well that I’ll be strong enough to handle whatever pain those risks might entail. I find that it is essential that there are times that we should take risks and there are times that we should avoid them. It’s all about knowing yourself and allowing yourself to grow at your own pace.


http://www.songlyrics4u.com/counting-crows/anna-begins.html

 

Good dreams are supposed to leave you feeling good when you wake up. But I find that not all dreams leave you feeling that way. Because when we wake up, we realize that it’s not real. So instead of a good morning, it feels like we woke up on the wrong side of the bed. The thoughts that are buried deep in the recesses of our subconscious, more often than not, come out whenever we dream. We try so hard to keep them out of our minds through distractions but when we dream, these thoughts somehow escape the cages where we lock them in. Dreams provide us with a reflection of the truth about ourselves, our conscience, what we desire and long for.
Sometimes we use sleep to escape ourselves, our state and to pass the time when we are going through something difficult and when we are depressed with our lives. But it’s actually dreaming that forces us to face our own realities-at least it tries to. These dreams are either the opposite of what we are going through, which make them good, or they are nightmares. I only find the good dreams, which are the opposite of what our reality is, far worse than a nightmare. These good dreams do not inflict terror, but rather, they inflict pain and sometimes unbearable sadness. In our dreams, we get what we want, but when we're awake, we don't. So how can we escape when our dreams won’t even allow us to?
A dreamless sleep can only be possible through sedatives-well, at least in my case. The seemingly countless days and nights pass by steadily. It feels like being on a raft riding the soft waves of an ocean, drifting towards nowhere. The ocean feels like an infinite body of water. It’s a nice ride but it can’t last forever.
I guess no matter what we do, we cannot escape the reality where we find ourselves in-no matter how hard we try to deny it. Our life is what it is and we are who we are. We can always find numerous distractions and make countless excuses but where does that really take us? We have really no other choice but to acknowledge and deal with it. Once we do, then our good dreams can in fact be true and leave us smiling when we wake up.   

Don’t you sometimes wish that you’ve never met certain people in your life? Or worse-you wish that you or they were never even born. Some people just seem to spell trouble or pain. Most situations that involves them makes you think-I don’t need this shit! And you wonder if their sole purpose in life is to annoy or piss you off. You think that you were better off without them.
But are we really better off without them? I don’t think that’s always the case. These people-no matter if they seem like bitches and assholes are actually there to help shape the people that we ought to be. It’s always a choice on whether we decide to turn bitter, bitchy, mean or whatever repulsive being you could ever think of. But ultimately, if you look at it in a different perspective, they’re there to make us better people. It’s like they’re there to intimidate and challenge us to become the greatest individuals we can ever be.   
 
(I’m not yet done. I have to go for now. I’ll continue this later on.)  

One of the hardest things that we have to deal with is our own demons. Our demons are born every time we do not know or refuse to deal with something terrible that happens in our lives. Often times we choose to ignore them-pretending that they do not exist because their arguments are too heavy and difficult to deal with. We pretend that everything is alright and drown them in alcohol, drugs or whatever poison you choose. But in one way or the other they manifest themselves in different ways that other people can see except you. And you wonder why people react the way they do towards you, do the things you do and that you can’t seem to get what you want and truly deserve. Sometimes the most difficult person to see is yourself. Blinded by denial, self-pity, anger and fear, we can’t accept our own faults because it hurts too much to face them and that we have no clue on how to deal. We think it’s easier to turn our backs, unaware that we are sinking deeper into the black hole that we created for ourselves. And we slowly but so surely hate ourselves-letting self-loathing consume us. The light within us that once provided warmth and comfort is starting to fade. We become lost. So we start on the path towards self-destruction. We figure that if we didn’t care-things would be easier. If we numb ourselves enough-nothing can ever hurt us, thus becoming untouchable-or so we thought. We unintentionally or intentionally isolate ourselves and we then experience unbearable loneliness.
Concerned friends and family may tell you things that you refuse to hear because people, more often than not, do not like to be criticized. We can be very stubborn sometimes and we would rather be on the right than on the wrong. Also, no one else knows ourselves better than we do so why should we listen? Listen, because sometimes they actually know better.  As much as I hate to admit it, they can actually see things better because they are not as emotionally involved the way we are. It doesn't necessarily mean though, that they are always right. Only we can truly know what is right for ourselves. We can always listen, weigh their reasoning and choose to either heed their advice or not. Emotions can cloud judgment and it’s the alarm that triggers our defense mechanism. And once they’re up, they become a barrier that no one can ever break down. The voice of our demons drown the advice of our friends.  
No one can ever help us except ourselves. It’s a struggle to rid the demons we ourselves created. It’s a choice on whether we choose to remain in pain and denial or to acknowledge our faults and decide to change. It’s not an easy process and we always run the risk of falling back into our old ways. Still, no matter how many times we stumble and fall, we must hold on to the belief that we can be better, we deserve a better life and that we can in fact, be happy. If we believe something strongly enough, it can come true.

I woke up in cold sweat Thursday morning with my heart palpitating. My mind was racing and I thought I was going to pass out. I lay in bed willing it to go away. I told myself to relax-wanting desperately for it to go away. Could I die? Will I die?-were the thoughts that kept running through my head. I told myself no.
After 3 hours being in that state, I was exhausted and I fell asleep. I woke up in the afternoon calm and relaxed. I asked myself-what the hell happened? Did I have a panic attack or something? Was that brought about by stress? What? My body always tends to act up under stress-complications here and there. I've been in and out of hospitals. The Doctors couldn't always figure it out. I've always been a sickly person-weak and unfortunately, easily afflicted. Sometimes I think that it's a miracle that I've survived so many illnesses. I guess my will to live is stronger than I think.
I was not able to go to work so I stayed in bed all day and watched television. I kept my mind blank and let myself be absorbed by the movies and different programs being aired. I was tired of trying to make sense of what happened.
The afternoon passed and evening came. I was becoming restless and decided to run through the latest magazine that my mother got me. I came across certain articles that gave a common idea-never give up your dreams no matter what. I put the magazine aside and watched a program on television. The episode on the program gave the same thing.
This was something that I could no longer ignore.
Do you know when life gives you a million signs and that more often than not, you choose not to see them? Eventually the signs grow bigger and bigger, louder and louder, and they finally hit you. Well, in my case, it was this episode that I experienced this morning. My heart was pounding the threat of death and when I grew calm, it was the television and the magazine that gave me a nudge and told me-hey! Stop wasting time and figure out what you really want to do with your life and live your dream! Death is always lurking and there can never be certainty. One of the worst things that people do is to have their dreams unlived.

It's been a while since I've been attracted to someone. Met him under the oddest and not the best of circumstances and found myself engaged in a very interesting conversation. I started the conversation with a weird question that people would normally not know how to react to or would rather ignore. I spoke my mind and he entertained it and through the course of it, I formed the impression that he was a very open-minded individual that is unique in the sense that he's very liberated and had the funniest of opinions to share. I find that few people are, even if they try to act as if they were-sort of pretending to be unpretentious and carefree. So in this sense I always have my guards up whenever I converse with people. Anyway, he surprised me and I found myself thinking of him for the past few days-wondering when I can share the deepest, most absurd and casual conversations with him again. I’m looking forward to it, but I hate thinking about it. As much as I do not want to admit it, I like him more than just a simple crush. I loathe this feeling. The situation that I am in right now is precisely what I have been trying to avoid for the longest time. And I am desperately trying to make it go away. These are the beginnings of heart ache. I know that relationships don’t necessarily always lead to pain, but I would rather not take the risk. I’ve taken far too many risks and more often than not, when I allow myself to fall, I wind up broken. It takes such a long time to piece myself up together again and regain strength and I’m just so tired of that. And I’m trying to figure out means and ways to prevent myself from getting any deeper. Distractions are always good to keep myself preoccupied and his absence helps. I dread and yet I long to see him. Shit! I hate it! He's not even cute!

Do you ever experience those days where you ask "Can someone just shoot me and get it over with?" Time is moving fast but at times it feels like it's so slow. The days drag on and you wonder when is all this going to end? Sometimes I long for death and yet I've escaped it a couple of times. The only probable reason why my life has been spared is that I still have to do something before I die. But what is that something!? Could it be that I'm meant to become an influential figure that will change the world?-yeah right. I know that certain actions-no matter how simple they may seem can actually be life changing so I try not to discount them no matter how small they look to me.
I've drafted a list of things to do before I die and so far I've only accomplished one. The list isn't really long but the items on the list can take forever to finish. Still, I'm not giving up. It's not because I find them too difficult but I let myself be lazy. Sometimes I feel like the princess of procrastination. I keep putting off the things I have to do until the next day. So many days have passed and it's about time that I get my ass of this chair and do something about that list. And then perhaps once I get the items on that list done, life will let me rest.

There is a black hole inside sucking the life out of me. Troubled and isolated-longing to escape myself. My skin feels tight and constricting. I try to find comfort in the company of friends, books and television. Sleep is always good but sometimes the demons find their way into dreams. Distractions help pass the time. Some are worthwhile and some waste moments. No matter what I do, I cannot leave me. My body contains this soul-a soul restless and in pain. The soul cries while the body smiles. More often than not, the body is ashamed of what the soul feels and has mastered the art of facades.
I try my best to be strong. Deal with shit, fall down and stand up again. Struggling with a mind that thinks too much. Continuously trying to make sense of things and always trying to look on the brighter side even when life is saying that it's the end of the world. My friend once told me that "life is how you see it"-I agree. What you project to the world is what life will reflect back to you. So I try to remain possitive. And I'm tired. I'm tired of the weight. I've always remained independent but now I have to admit that I need someone to help me.

It’s been a while since I’ve written an entry. Been busy with work lately and turned into a machine. The pressure at work is increasing and the challenge-oh yes, it is challenging. I asked for it and well-I got it.
My personal life has been quiet lately. Guess I got tired of the drama so I don’t get myself into crazy situations anymore. Or perhaps, I’m just getting older. I know what’s possible and what’s not. I now know what I want and what I can’t have. I’m more realistic and somewhat jaded. There still is a glimmer of hope that resides inside but it’ll take a lot before it surfaces again.