I've always tried to make sense of the things I've done.
I've done a number of spiteful things. Vengeance was mine-I thought. Perhaps doing what I did out of the pain and anger that I was feeling for those who have hurt me. I thought I was going to get some form of satisfaction-something that would help my anger cease and make my suffering go away. I only found that the pain is greater when you hurt someone instead of getting hurt.
So I embarked on this journey towards forgiveness and letting go. Accepting my mistakes instead of trying to justify them. And learning to forgive myself and know that I do not deserve the situations I put myself in and that I deserve the best. After a long time walking under a gloomy cloud, the rays of the sun were starting to penetrate to shed a bit of light on my dark depressed being.
But it's not that easy. Light has been shed but faith will still be tested. I sometimes think that I'm a bad person trying to be good. Situations are presented to question if I can actually be a better person. And they're there constantly threatening to push me back into self-loathing and seeing everything in gray again.
I'm desperately trying to change and put my life in order. I only hope that I maintain the strength that I have found. I want a better life-I want a good life. It's simple to write and say but it's a struggle to obtain.
