Just when I thought that my friends were beginning to forget me, I got a package last night which contained a book sent by Cristina. It was a children's book entitled: The Little Soul and the Sun. I was so touched that I had to call her immediately and thank her. (Thanks again huny!) The connection was pretty bad so we had a bit of a difficult time hearing each other, but despite that we enjoyed our conversation.

I read the book right after our conversation. The story was a brief but touching explanation as to why bad things happen in this world and the explanation of the rule of opposites. It contained beautiful illustrations which made it all the more enjoyable to read. And when I finished reading the book, I imagined myself keeping this book and reading it to my child in the future during bedtime. I had never pictured myself as a parent so this is a first for me.

Anyway, I feel so blessed to have wonderful and sweet friends. Each holds a special place in my heart. I, for one, have a difficult time expressing touchy feely emotions and I'm a person that rarely shows emotions-in short, I'm a person that's hard to read. But then if I don't express what and how I feel from time to time, I might end up regreting what I refused to communicate. I mean life's too short for crummy excuses such as being shy and shit. So here I am telling you guys that I love you! I may be far away, but you know that I'll always be there.

When I got home from SF last sunday, Gello-Gerard's brother told me about the Asia Tsunami. So I turned on the television in my room and switched the channel to CNN. And there I saw the devastation that happened in Sri Lanka, India, Indonesia and Thailand-among the many countries affected. I saw the footage shot when the Tsunami hit the beaches and heard the reports saying that the death toll was rising. I felt tears stinging my eyes as they showed the dead bodies and the grieving people. My heart went out to them.

It was a sudden and painful death for so many people. And whenever catastrophies such as this happen, we always look for the cause and in part, where to put the blame. It was a natural disaster and there was really no one to blame. I can't describe it as nature's wrath because it wasn't because it wasn't affected by man, so to say it sadly, it was simply a part of mother nature.

We tend to ask why these terrible things happen. Some would say that it's God's wrath to punish the sinful people of this earth. It really depends on what your belief is and how you would like to make sense of these tragic events. And so I wondered what the possible reasons could be. I believe that everything on this earth is connected in one way or another. Perhaps it's nature's way of preventing overpopulation. Perhaps it's God's way of reminding us that our lives here are temporary and not to take anything for granted. Perhaps it's a wake-up call for everyone and to help us realize what really matters-peace and love. (never thought I'd say something that sounds so cheezy, but it's true.)

No matter what anyone's belief is, it's there for the purpose of helping us realize life's essence and humanity. It's there for the betterment of ourselves. We always have a choice in things even if they are beyond our control sometimes. We have the choice of what we make of things and how we would like to deal with them. A friend once told me "Life is how you see it" and I totally agree. We choose what and how we want to see everything.

I had planned to spend the Christmas weekend with my Aunt and Uncle in Daly City. And since holiday traffic was terrible and I lived far away, I had to take the Bart because it was more practical. Mind you, I've never taken the Bart before. I felt like a child that was going on a new adventure (even if it seemed so ordinary, I was excited). So that Christmas afternoon at 30 minutes past 3 I took my very first ride.

My friend Gerard dropped me off at the El Cerrito station. I said goodbye and went to buy a ticket. I bought the wrong ticket and so I had to buy another one. After purchasing the right ticket, I got in and took a comfortable seat near the door. And so my first Bart ride began.
I thought everything was going smoothly and so I relaxed and enjoyed some of the scenery that the route offered.

I got off at the right station and confidently walked towards the exit. But when I slipped my hand in my pocket, I couldn't find the ticket. I lost the damn thing and when I looked around, there was no one at the booth! I went to the ticket machine and found that it only took 1 or 5 dollar bills and I only had a twenty. In my head I thought "what in the world do I do now?!" I saw an emergency exit door and decided to take it since there was no one there.

The moment I got out, a man in a uniform approached me and said "You're not supposed to use the emergency exit." So I apologized and explained that it was my first time to take the Bart." and smiled. He only looked at me and said "If the Bart police caught you, you would've been fined 500 dollars." I then asked "So how do we go about this?" And so he led me to a ticket machine which accepted 20s and I purchased a ticket which I then handed to him. I thought "Geez, where's your holiday spirit?" Apparently, he either had none or he was just being defensive. Oh well, either way, he did his job.

I walked out and called my Aunt to ask her to pick me up. And as I thought that things couldn't get any worse, the man and another guy got into a big fight. As I listened to their verbal exchange of curses and arguments, I found that the other guy was trying to get in without a ticket.

I lit a cigarette and thought "Now this is another misadventure that will go in the books and be among the many that have happened and will probably happen in the future. Bad shit tends to happen to me and sometimes they come in three consecutive instances that inadvertently becomes funny. It's like-just when I thought, things couldn't get any worse-they do. I only end up laughing about it. I mean when I think about it, those bad instances are like scenes from a comedy and I have the starring role.

Shit happens once in a while and my take on that is-it's not worth stressing over and laughing about it is the best way to deal with it. It's healthy to have a sense of humor. I also find that these misadventures turn into stories that I tell people to get their spirits up whenever things go wrong or that their having a bad day. I guess also like with the rule of opposites-they define each other. So it's like bad shit happens to put emphasis and help us value the good things that have happened and all the good that we've got going in our lives.

There's a usual scent that I love smelling during Christmas time. It's a frangrance that is both bitter and sweet. It reminds me of Christmas past and it fills me with wonder of what the future holds as I try to experience the present. I look at the stars at night and feel the cool breeze as it passes me.

Memories flood my mind with the mixture of those wonderful and lonely moments. I choose to remember them each time even if some of those I've spent alone beside the dimly lit Christmas tree at home while my parents were away. Those sad moments remind me of the beautiful and happy instances. It's like they have to co-exist so as to emphasize joyfulness with the sadness.

But that usual scent is nowhere to be found here. I can't smell anything. The cold numbs my nose and the fog blurs the night sky. Though I am not filled with sadness nor am I happy. I'm looking forward to what new things may come. Memories here have yet to take place.

When I came home from a late lunch I went outside for a cigarette. It was something that I normally do especially on a full stomach. And just like any other afternoon, I wasn't expecting to see anything but the still street of the neighborhood.

As I was walking down the garage preparing to light my stick, I stopped dead on my tracks. I was taken by the scenery of the bay. The rays of sun were peering through the clouds and it looked as if angels were about to descend from the heaven above. It was a calming sight and even if it was freezing cold, it provided some sort of warmth that spread throughout my insides.

I thought to myself that nature never fails to display enchanting beauty. No two mornings, afternoons, evenings are the same. It always provides a sense of awe and wonder whenever you stop and marvel at the sight it provides. Even if you are within a city, up on the mountains or by the beach, there's always something wonderful that it offers to anyone and everyone. It's like time ceases to exist and you feel like you are surrounded by perfect beauty that many photographs or paintings try to capture.

For the past few days I've been listening to songs by Indie bands on myspace.com.

I guess I miss what I used to enjoy in Manila-which was watch bands like Bamboo, Stonefree, Overtone, Velcro and yes, Craig Davis and the New Waves play on week nights and weekends. I loved it and I had a blast with Cristina and Margie-though sometimes Cristina's clueless about which band was playing. Anyway, I would listen and move to the music that they made and drink until I got drunk then go home and nurse the hangover the following day. I would vow not to drink as much, but wind up never keeping that promise the moment I'm out again. Cristina, Margie and I always had wonderful conversations on those nights.

I miss those carefree weekends, but I'm glad for having experienced them with great friends. Capones, Yaku and Peligro are the places where I wish I could go to whenever I'm stressed here. But I can't. I'm far from the party now and I will be for a long time. I'll read about it on blogs or online journals and I must admit, I can't help but be envious. And I can only wonder and imagine what it could've felt like if I was there to experience it. Sigh. Oh well. What I have though are memories that I can retreat to. Memories that would make me smile. The songs that I listen to from Indie Bands inspite of them being different will remind me of them.

Patience truly is a virtue and it's a virtue that's difficult to keep. It's like you stretch understanding beyond its limits. You have to breathe in and say "let it go" as you exhale. You think that it's not worth it and like a cold gust of wind, it passes you by.

People are different and you can't always expect them to treat you the way you treat them. Because if you do, you'll only end up with disappointment. There's a very thin line as to when to tolerate and when to fight back. It's hard to maintain control over emotions and be mindful of the possible effects whenever we act on impulse.

When your patience is tested, it's always a predicament. It's hard not to retaliate once we are provoked and once our being is attacked by anyone-be it a stranger, an acquaintance, a friend or a relative. Once we act on emotions and throw the same punch that that person has, we only end up exacerbating the situation more often than not.

So I guess the best way is to remain silent and step back. Try not to judge but try to read them and understand. It may not always seem fair, but then it's true with the saying "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind". Revenge isn't always sweet because sometimes you're only prolonging and continuing the agony between people. In a way, you're preventing yourself and other people from seeing the better side of things which is forgiveness and harmony.

An Aunt once told me that I had the gift of discernment. I only pray that I keep it and the virtue of patience.