For two days I hibernated and shut myself out. I barely ate, slept most of the time and dreamed. I couldn’t even bring myself to speak with my friends. I was depressed. But as always, I still had a companion-my beloved television. It provided the distraction and awareness of what was happening outside my world. Growing up as an only child with busy and hard working parents then-it was my nanny, friend and companion. It provided some form of comfort and sometimes a constant noise to take me away from the screaming thoughts in my head whenever it was silent. Thank God for Baird and Farnsworth for inventing this wonderful machine.

Anyway, the reason for my hibernation was not about nurturing my relationship with my television-we’ve got a strong enough bond already, but to face and deal with myself.

Like everyone else I have been hurt and broken numerous times-some of these I have dealt with and some, I avoided. There were other things in life that were better and mattered more and I thought it would be practical to just leave them be and move along. I thought that by doing so, I am living in the present. But what I found was that I was escaping issues that sprouted from the past, but will remain there-they may be dormant, but they are still there. It is inevitable that they will find means and ways to come out because they are a part of me that needed to be addressed and changed. How can I actually live in the present and look forward to better things if I haven’t dealt and made peace with my past? What I mean by past are my issues and the people I cared about and unintentionally hurt.

And so it happened. I unexpectedly had an encounter with my past. The issues were not dormant anymore. I encountered someone whom I dearly cared about and regarded as one of the best and most important people in my life, and whom I hurt tremendously. He was brave enough to show me his anger and pain. He told me both hurtful and loving words that pierced right through me. I could do nothing-I was at a loss with words. I wished that I could say what he needed to hear and give what he wanted, but I could not. And he’s not the only one I hurt. I won’t name names, but they know very well who they are. I was always good with words and advice, but I found that in certain situations like these I have always remained silent. It’s like I freeze up and all I want to do is escape and hide. I avoid them as much as I possibly can-I don’t want to admit this but, it was cowardice. Because I desperately try to escape my confusion, fear and pain, I end up jumping into situations-hoping that I can be saved and taken far away. And if the situations didn’t work to my liking, I would jump into another. But you can never escape yourself no matter what-it was at the expense of other people that helped me understand that simple fact.

I am a very private person and trying to explain and speak about this is already a very big and frightening leap for me. You have given me so much, helped me realize and see myself, given me the appreciation that other people have not and I have given so little in return and if any, I have given pain. Words can be powerful, but sometimes they aren’t enough to express everything. With this very long entry, what I truly want to say is something very simple. I am deeply sorry.

Ever get one of those days where you think or say "Just shoot me and get it over with."?
This is the first thought that pops in my head when I'm having a bad day, something shitty happened or when I'm really stressed out and overwhelmed with work.
If I write my thoughts and include certain episodes in my life and turn it into a movie it would be a dark comedy. Right now, I just don't know where to start and I'm tired. My brain's fried from work.

I've been wanting to write an entry since I saw the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind with Cristina. I've had so many thoughts and somehow they've gone elsewhere. I'll eventually find them later on, but for now I would just like to share some lines from the movie.

Quotes from the movie:

Clementine: Joel, I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.

Joel: I remember that speech really well.

Clementine: I had you pegged, didn't I?

Joel: You had the whole human race pegged.

Clementine: Probably.

Joel: I still thought you were going to save me. Even after that.

________

Clementine: I wish you'd stayed.
Joel: I wish I'd stayed, too. NOW I wish I'd stayed. I wish I'd done a lot of things. I wish I'd... I wish I'd stayed... I do.

________

Clementine: This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon.

Joel: I know.

Clementine: What do we do?

Joel: Enjoy it.

Clementine reminds me so much of myself.

I just saw M. Night Shyamalan's The Village and I must say that this is one his best works. I must admit that I was a bit skeptical about the film because I’ve heard bad reviews from people. I guess they were expecting it to be more like Signs or The Sixth Sense. Still, I was curious-I had to see it for myself. And so last night, Margie and I went to Rockwell to watch it.

For those who have not seen it, do not read this entry.

I find it thought provoking in the sense that it communicated or at least tried to make sense of the human condition and all its complexities. Suffering, love, loss, innocence, good, evil, greed, generosity, sacrifice, selfishness, selflessness and many other traits are all part of it. Great pain sometimes drives people to take extreme measures to prevent its causes and preserve innocence. But in one way or the other, no matter how hard people try to isolate the causes of pain and suffering, they still resurface. For many reasons, they co-exist. The many conditions are opposites and they define each other. They are part of life and that is what makes us human.
We have to accept these as parts of reality but also realize that we all are given the gift of free will. We have the gift of choice or power to choose how we want and how we can live our lives. Many times I have been inflicted with pain, but who hasn’t? We all experience the different things that life throws us and not all of these are agreeable and some of them are excruciating, but we have to make do-we have to learn how to deal.

Ivy as one of the lead characters of the film reminded me so much of one of my best friends-Berta. Ivy was blind but was found to possess the greatest strength among all the other characters. Driven by love and faith, she believed that she could overcome the obstacles and the fear by which the people in the village lived by that prevented them from leaving.
Many of us suffer from fear of various sorts-fear of losing our loved ones, fear of actually pursuing our dreams, fear of illness, fear of change, fear of embarking on a journey into the unknown and so on and so forth. But what amazes me is that people who are physically impaired are much stronger than people who are most able. Berta is one of the living testimonies that I have witnessed that proves this. She is more accomplished than most people I know. She has undergone a tremendous amount of suffering-emotionally, physically and mentally. But because of her strong will and faith, she was able to overcome all these. (I would have to write a book to be able to tell you the whole story. And to those of you who know her and what she went through, you will agree with me.) She is blind, but she sees life in a better light than most people having sight.

I am experiencing a certain serenity that I haven’t had for many weeks. Too many things have been running through my mind and it felt like the world was spinning. It’s like 10 conversations have been going on continuously all at once and it refuses to stop even in my sleep. Questions such as: What do I really want to do with my life? What career do I really want? Should I leave the country and live a life elsewhere? What am I doing to myself? Why do I loathe myself? Why am I having such a difficult time dealing with my past-issues that have become the demons that torture my existence?
Questions will never cease but there will always be answers that will come in due time. Actually, come to think of it, the answers have been there all along but we sometimes fail to recognize them until we’re ready to. Maybe we’re standing too close or too far from them, or we may be focusing on other things but not necessarily the wrong ones. It’s like life finds means and ways for us to go through so much before we finally see and understand the answers that we’ve been looking for.
I have been beating myself up for the mistakes I have made-dwelling and either trying to avoid all the issues or finding easy ways out. Fear and impatience is a terrible combination I tell you, and because I nurtured them, they have impaired my better judgment on the situations that I have been presented with. The numerous mistakes fused themselves and turned into a bomb that exploded and shattered me. When the smoke cleared and when things started to calm down, I started picking up the pieces which contained the questions and when I looked around me, there they were-the answers that I have been looking for all these years. They came like a soft soothing breeze that was simple, unassuming, understanding and comforting. Along with that soft breeze were very simple words that said “You’re going to be okay.”

Sometimes I wonder why I get into shitty situations. I always thought of myself as a levelheaded and logical person. I assess, list the possible consequences of certain actions and then make a decision. I pride myself in giving good advice to people and yet somehow, I fail to actually follow them. I guess sometimes the hardest person to see is yourself and situations are harder to handle if you are actually in them.
You make mistakes and you learn-this should be the case. And if you haven’t, then the same situations will present themselves over and over until you learn what you’re supposed to in order to grow. Somehow these situations contain the demons of the past. I sometimes want to run my head into the wall because of my stubbornness. I make the same mistakes over and over. Aware of the bad consequences of certain actions that I take, I still take them, somehow hoping that the outcome would be different. Sometimes they are, but more often than not, they aren’t. I yet have to overcome my vulnerabilities. It’s high time to stop blaming the damages of the past-acknowledge them and just learn how to deal.
It’s funny how life throws you so much. It’s like after you’ve overcome one vulnerability-it throws you two more situations and then three and then so on and so forth. I’d like to think that life’s intent is to throw these situations to you to make you better. No matter how bad they may be, you’ve got to face it. It’s like a challenge for you to reach your highest potential as the best human being that you can ever be in your lifetime.

I always thought of myself as a person living in the present. I took risks and I was always out to learn and explore more about life. I always kept in mind that things shouldn't be taken for granted because time was not always on your side and chances don't always come in seconds or thirds. Even if some experiences hurt, they shouldn't prevent you from taking more. Like a child playing in a playground, no matter how many times I stumbled and fell, I always got up to try every swing, every slide, every monkey bar, and every course that the playground offered. No matter how high the slide was, I had to climb it-curious of what the rush would be when I slide down. I would scrape my knee and bruise my elbow in the process, but I would ignore the pain and continue to play. It was as if the afternoon was my entire life and there was no time to lose.
Things were much simpler as a child playing in a playground compared to the world of an adult. And sometimes I wonder if I was still that person living in the present. Yes, I still did crazy things here and there, but am I doing the things that matter?

There’s a certain sense of calmness that staring up at the stars brings at night. Time seems to stop when I feel the black sky envelope me as I lay on a field or on the sand of a beach. The cool wind blows away the worries that make me anxious, and the problems that cause stress. And the rustling of the leaves or the waves crashing provide me with soft music to calm the soul. Everything feels good and right. I find that the space we are living in is far greater than what our mind allows us to see when we are consumed by the everydayness in the city.
I long to feel that sense of serenity again. I remember the different times in my life when I experienced that on the different beaches and fields I lay on. I would be in the company of friends and family, but what I enjoyed the most was laying quietly as they either chatted on or slept. It’s as if I had a private conversation with the stars and the sky. I would see many falling stars and wish on every one of them. I don’t remember the wishes that I’ve made but only the wonderful experience of making them. It always made me feel like a child believing that dreams can come true.
I tried staring at the sky from the terrace of my condo unit. But all I saw was the smog and buildings in the city and felt its enclosure. Though everything is convenient to make me feel comfortable with my lifestyle, the city cannot replace the experience of being in the beach or field, gazing at the stars at night. Such experiences that only nature can provide.