For two days I hibernated and shut myself out. I barely ate, slept most of the time and dreamed. I couldn’t even bring myself to speak with my friends. I was depressed. But as always, I still had a companion-my beloved television. It provided the distraction and awareness of what was happening outside my world. Growing up as an only child with busy and hard working parents then-it was my nanny, friend and companion. It provided some form of comfort and sometimes a constant noise to take me away from the screaming thoughts in my head whenever it was silent. Thank God for Baird and Farnsworth for inventing this wonderful machine.

Anyway, the reason for my hibernation was not about nurturing my relationship with my television-we’ve got a strong enough bond already, but to face and deal with myself.

Like everyone else I have been hurt and broken numerous times-some of these I have dealt with and some, I avoided. There were other things in life that were better and mattered more and I thought it would be practical to just leave them be and move along. I thought that by doing so, I am living in the present. But what I found was that I was escaping issues that sprouted from the past, but will remain there-they may be dormant, but they are still there. It is inevitable that they will find means and ways to come out because they are a part of me that needed to be addressed and changed. How can I actually live in the present and look forward to better things if I haven’t dealt and made peace with my past? What I mean by past are my issues and the people I cared about and unintentionally hurt.

And so it happened. I unexpectedly had an encounter with my past. The issues were not dormant anymore. I encountered someone whom I dearly cared about and regarded as one of the best and most important people in my life, and whom I hurt tremendously. He was brave enough to show me his anger and pain. He told me both hurtful and loving words that pierced right through me. I could do nothing-I was at a loss with words. I wished that I could say what he needed to hear and give what he wanted, but I could not. And he’s not the only one I hurt. I won’t name names, but they know very well who they are. I was always good with words and advice, but I found that in certain situations like these I have always remained silent. It’s like I freeze up and all I want to do is escape and hide. I avoid them as much as I possibly can-I don’t want to admit this but, it was cowardice. Because I desperately try to escape my confusion, fear and pain, I end up jumping into situations-hoping that I can be saved and taken far away. And if the situations didn’t work to my liking, I would jump into another. But you can never escape yourself no matter what-it was at the expense of other people that helped me understand that simple fact.

I am a very private person and trying to explain and speak about this is already a very big and frightening leap for me. You have given me so much, helped me realize and see myself, given me the appreciation that other people have not and I have given so little in return and if any, I have given pain. Words can be powerful, but sometimes they aren’t enough to express everything. With this very long entry, what I truly want to say is something very simple. I am deeply sorry.