I found out that a friend of mine died the other day.
Ever since Berta passed away, I've been having a very difficult time dealing with death.
There's an intense sadness and there's always something surreal about it.
You look around and see that everything is still moving around you.
You're left to wonder and ask why doesn't anyone stop.
But then you can't really expect everyone to pause and mourn.
Life just goes on.

Someone recently asked me when was the last time I was happy and I suddenly retreated to that beautiful day:

I was in Bora with Cristina during holy week last year and it was a Black Saturday. As usual, we were enjoying a good drink while watching the sun set on the horizon. We were both sloshed and enjoying a good conversation with Ilac or rather she was enjoying a good chat while I lounged around.
I suddenly felt like I wanted a good swim so I left them by the shore and slowly walked to the sea. The sun felt warm and the water was soothing against my skin as I floated towards the sunset. I looked up to the sky and felt gratitude.
It was such a wonderful and tranquil moment in my life. I had no worries, no anger, no fear nor sadness. I was part of the earth and the earth was part of me. I was happy.

I'd like to feel that way again. And this time I don't want it to be temporary. I want my peace of mind again for I have lived as if everyday's color was gray. I have failed to see the colors surrounding me.

I've always figured that seeing gray was safe because seeing colors fade was more painful than anything. There was a twisted sense of comfort for a long time there. It became the familiar.

But I don't want that anymore. I'm tired of being tired and I want to breathe again. It's still a struggle-wondering each night if tomorrow may be a bright or cloudy day. Right now, I just pray for the strength to overcome the darkness within me.

People can be cruel sometimes.
You treat them well and regard them highly, but instead they speak ill of you behind your back.
You're left trying to figure out why.
You're left feeling betrayed and foolish for being good to them.

On the other hand, people can be wonderful.
When you think that they don't care, they actually do.
They see through the pain and shortcomings.
You're left feeling loved and foolish for not having believed it sooner.

People are people and they're all different.
They may have their reasons however unfair they may be.
It's hard to fathom sometimes why they are the way they are.
But what really matters is the love that they bring.

Couldn't sleep.
Perhaps the Sandman was angry with me.
Stared into the night until daylight came.
Everything seemed to be on a stand still.
The tears have stopped momentarily.
The silence was deafening.
Images of the past linger.

Drove towards the sunrise.
The light blinded me.
The world was moving.
People chattered about.
Smiles and greetings exchanged.
But I just wanted to go back into the night.
I wanted to remain frozen.

I was sailing through calm waters with the clear blue sky smiling down on me when suddenly a storm appeared on the horizon. I knew that the storm could sink my boat and drown me and I still went towards that direction. For some reason I was drawn to it and even if it was inevitable that I would suffer damages, I went for it. True enough, I'm left with the broken pieces and was left floating on a draft.

I knew he was wrong for me, but I still maintained a glimmer of hope-thinking that it can work out. And so we had a beautiful Christmas, but a terrible and tearful new year. I don't know where to begin and how we started to argue, but I found that it was bringing out the worst in me. I tried to explain myself, but every time I did, I would run against a brick wall. I don't know if he refused to listen or he just didn't understand me.

Part of me admits that I really did freak out and inadvertently pushed him away. I was scared to be with him because I realized that I was really scared shitless to be with anyone. I've built up a huge and thick wall around me to precisely protect me from this kind of pain. I didn't realize until now that I have been jaded all this time and thought that nothing really lasts forever. We create so many memories and in the end, all that we're left with are just those-ghosts of the past.

I liked to think of myself as a strong person. I was always defensive about my independence because I didn't want to rely on anyone. I've developed a fear from previous experiences and basically growing up alone. Everyone at one point or another leaves. And so I've somewhat isolated myself-never letting anyone too near and if I did, I had to condition my expectations. As awful as it sounds, that state of being helped me survive the trials and tragedies all these years. It's only now that I'm admitting these for I have been ashamed and insecure about this fact for so long.

I'm just grateful for wonderful friends. I'm thankful for friends who understand and who see the beauty through the flaws. I'm finally learning to show my pain and open up. I can't stand this turmoil anymore and I'd like to change. These are my issues and I'd like to overcome them. I've been denying that I've had this constant lurking sadness far too long and now I'm standing here wanting to be happy.