I was sailing through calm waters with the clear blue sky smiling down on me when suddenly a storm appeared on the horizon. I knew that the storm could sink my boat and drown me and I still went towards that direction. For some reason I was drawn to it and even if it was inevitable that I would suffer damages, I went for it. True enough, I'm left with the broken pieces and was left floating on a draft.

I knew he was wrong for me, but I still maintained a glimmer of hope-thinking that it can work out. And so we had a beautiful Christmas, but a terrible and tearful new year. I don't know where to begin and how we started to argue, but I found that it was bringing out the worst in me. I tried to explain myself, but every time I did, I would run against a brick wall. I don't know if he refused to listen or he just didn't understand me.

Part of me admits that I really did freak out and inadvertently pushed him away. I was scared to be with him because I realized that I was really scared shitless to be with anyone. I've built up a huge and thick wall around me to precisely protect me from this kind of pain. I didn't realize until now that I have been jaded all this time and thought that nothing really lasts forever. We create so many memories and in the end, all that we're left with are just those-ghosts of the past.

I liked to think of myself as a strong person. I was always defensive about my independence because I didn't want to rely on anyone. I've developed a fear from previous experiences and basically growing up alone. Everyone at one point or another leaves. And so I've somewhat isolated myself-never letting anyone too near and if I did, I had to condition my expectations. As awful as it sounds, that state of being helped me survive the trials and tragedies all these years. It's only now that I'm admitting these for I have been ashamed and insecure about this fact for so long.

I'm just grateful for wonderful friends. I'm thankful for friends who understand and who see the beauty through the flaws. I'm finally learning to show my pain and open up. I can't stand this turmoil anymore and I'd like to change. These are my issues and I'd like to overcome them. I've been denying that I've had this constant lurking sadness far too long and now I'm standing here wanting to be happy.