Fast forward to 10 years.

As the years pass, you come alive again then you grow up and you get jaded. You try to remember your former self. The self that was lost but had passion when she thought she didn't. The self that thought she knew nothing but had so many insights that the future self is seeking advice from now.

This pandemic is testing all of us. It's hard and heartbreaking. When the lock down started in March 2020, I had a thought - everyone is going to lose someone. It could be a family member, friend, colleague, acquaintance, employer, employee and many others. It'll hurt. It's going to hit home or close to home and make you feel and realize that life is fragile. You're going to question everything. And feel lost.

I've always believed that shit happened for a reason, a purpose. Sometimes it'll be revealed immediately, at times it takes years. You need faith, patience and perseverance then it'll be revealed to you. We need to hold on to these because our lives depend on them.

I need to get centered.
It seems that the ego is getting the best of me again.
I'm confusing who I am with it. And taking it too seriously. Feeling affected by the most ridiculous things. Getting caught up in the world of should, should've and shouldn'ts.
I've become unconscious.
I've finally been awakened then I've fallen back into the unawakened state.
I've noticed that I've been looking at the world with cynicism and that somehow it has lost its color. But in reality, it never lost its luster. It's always been there waiting for me to return into awareness and see its beauty.

The beach always calms the chaos in my head...

At present, my mind is clear of racing thoughts-thoughts that have clouded my perception and judgment. For the past 6 months, I’ve felt like I was walking under a rain cloud that never left me even on sunny days when the sky is supposed to be blue.
Certain parts of my life were viewed in a certain way. I thought I was looking at things as how they were and how they’re supposed to be. I would argue with myself up until I realized that I was standing too close to the picture of my life.
It’s odd when you take a step back and see an entire picture for what it is.
It’s a contemplative pause in space where time ceases to exist. A very profound experience that jolts you out of your chaotic self.

It's done. It's over.
We had a wonderful beginning and a sad end.
Sometimes giving everything isn't enough.
I finally gave up.
I'm already empty and I have been for some time.
I hoped and hoped, but it was a constant disappointment.
So I got up and left.
I can breathe now.

I long to go to the beach.
So does everyone since it's summer.
I've been tense and stressed out and I want to relax.

One morning in January, whileI was taking a shower, I suddenly felt this excruciating pain in my belly. I started throwing up and feeling dizzy and my mother took me to the emergency room.
In a few hours my blood pressure dropped and my face turned white. My under eyes turned black and my eyes started rolling back.

The doctors did some tests and they found a mass in my belly. They told me that they had to operate and in less than an hour I was in the operating room. The nurses had to hold me down as my body convulsed in pain. I would choke on my scream. Then anethesiologist came and introduced himself and then everything went black.

I woke up in the recovery room with both my arms dextrosed. I told the nurse that I couldn't move my toes.

The pain slowly returned as the pain killers and anesthesia started to wear off. I asked for more pain killers and inadvertently, I tripped out on them.

They say it is through death that we discover life. I agree.