I woke up yesterday feeling that I've hit rock bottom.
Cristina's phone call saved me from a terrible dream.
An extreme feeling of depression washed over me.
My room seemed larger than it was and the sounds seemed to echo.
I felt as if I was trapped in my bed-frozen from an undefinable fear.
Instead of putting the phone down, I decided to talk to her.
I needed someone to keep me company.
I didn't want to be alone with myself.
For some reason, I've become my own enemy and I was afraid of me.
The seemingly endless drunken nights and mornings have finally taken a toll on me.
I wasn't aware that I've been sucked in a terrible kind of everydayness.
I've considered myself as somewhat of an escapist, but I never thought that this could ever happen.
I died and became a walking zombie.
There were so many things to do to make use of my time, but I ignored them.
I have become so accustomed to going out to drink with friends.
There's nothing wrong with that except that I always had to be tipsy if not drunk.
It was a state that was easy to handle and it really didn't require much thinking.
It was simple and stress free.
Since it didn't require thinking, I did things without hessitation.
I would normally think of the consequences, but the alcohol impaired my judgement.
I would always try to live in the moment-even if it was wrong.
Things always seemed good in a blur.
I would wake up knowing my errors, but I would always wash away the feelings of regret.
I would push them out of my mind as if they were just a bad dream.
It was a vicious cycle that I denied.
I had issues like everyone else.
I just didn't want to deal.
Yesterday was a rude awakening, but I know that it had to happen.
And I am thankful that it did.
Because it brought me to my consciousness.
It's the first step towards acknowledging the things that I have to address with myself.
I found myself to be in a very dark place, but I could finally see the faint light in the distance.
It was a renewed hope that I thought I had lost.
The world that was spinning around me was finally slowing down.
Or perhaps it was just me who kept twirling so fast.
But I finally got ahold of myself and I wasn't dizzy anymore.
I woke up today to a brighter sun.
I went outside to my balcony to feel the warmth on my skin.
I saw everything with so much clarity.
It's the beginning of something better.
Change is comforting even if at times it may be disconcerting.
For a time there my world small, but now it's bigger place again.
It's a liberating feeling when you choose to know that you can define your life.
And that you can actually make decisions and walk a different path from what you're used to.
I've chosen not to be paralyzed and controlled by fear anymore.
I have chosen to live again...
