When I’m in a dark mood sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I died the following day. I try to enumerate the people who would cry and miss me. Would they weep in my wake and after I’m buried, would they still continue to? Maybe some will and some wont. I don’t know. Life goes on. I’m not expecting them to weep for the rest of their lives. They’ve got their own living to do. Will I be remembered? How will I be remembered? Have I done things that are significant enough to touch their lives?
I think I’ve tried to live my life fairly the way I can. I think I’ve helped people and tried to be an existentialist. I’m not really sure if I’ve done the best that I could because sometimes, I’m so jaded and consumed by self-loathing. But since I’m a contradiction, I bounce back and look on the brighter side of things. I mean what else could I do? I don’t want to be dark and pessimistic all the time. I find it such a drag when I come across people like that. I can’t say that I’m pretty little miss sunshine. Hell no. But I’m not a dark person either. Well, I can’t really understand myself sometimes.
So when I die, are there people who have actually understood me? It doesn’t matter. No point to it. I’m just trying to live life the only way I know how.