Lost wanderer

2010-10-22T03:13:00.000-07:00

I need to get centered.
It seems that the ego is getting the best of me again.
I'm confusing who I am with it. And taking it too seriously. Feeling affected by the most ridiculous things. Getting caught up in the world of should, should've and shouldn'ts.
I've become unconscious.
I've finally been awakened then I've fallen back into the unawakened state.
I've noticed that I've been looking at the world with cynicism and that somehow it has lost its color. But in reality, it never lost its luster. It's always been there waiting for me to return into awareness and see its beauty.

2008-09-16T21:09:00.000-07:00

The beach always calms the chaos in my head...

2008-05-22T00:09:00.000-07:00

At present, my mind is clear of racing thoughts-thoughts that have clouded my perception and judgment. For the past 6 months, I’ve felt like I was walking under a rain cloud that never left me even on sunny days when the sky is supposed to be blue.
Certain parts of my life were viewed in a certain way. I thought I was looking at things as how they were and how they’re supposed to be. I would argue with myself up until I realized that I was standing too close to the picture of my life.
It’s odd when you take a step back and see an entire picture for what it is.
It’s a contemplative pause in space where time ceases to exist. A very profound experience that jolts you out of your chaotic self.

2008-04-30T04:09:00.000-07:00

It's done. It's over.
We had a wonderful beginning and a sad end.
Sometimes giving everything isn't enough.
I finally gave up.
I'm already empty and I have been for some time.
I hoped and hoped, but it was a constant disappointment.
So I got up and left.
I can breathe now.

2008-03-31T22:28:00.000-07:00

I long to go to the beach.
So does everyone since it's summer.
I've been tense and stressed out and I want to relax.

2008-02-22T05:11:00.000-08:00

One morning in January, whileI was taking a shower, I suddenly felt this excruciating pain in my belly. I started throwing up and feeling dizzy and my mother took me to the emergency room.
In a few hours my blood pressure dropped and my face turned white. My under eyes turned black and my eyes started rolling back.

The doctors did some tests and they found a mass in my belly. They told me that they had to operate and in less than an hour I was in the operating room. The nurses had to hold me down as my body convulsed in pain. I would choke on my scream. Then anethesiologist came and introduced himself and then everything went black.

I woke up in the recovery room with both my arms dextrosed. I told the nurse that I couldn't move my toes.

The pain slowly returned as the pain killers and anesthesia started to wear off. I asked for more pain killers and inadvertently, I tripped out on them.

They say it is through death that we discover life. I agree.

2007-12-07T02:15:00.001-08:00

She was already getting consumed by the everydayness in her life.
The days would disappear into nights and then into days.
The seasons seemed to pass without change.
She was sleepwalking and she knew it.
Why can't she snap out of it?
Was she comfortable with the notion that things remained the same?
But it's clear in her eyes that she hated it. There was a flame, but slowly it was disappearing.
Although no one noticed because her mask was a smile.
She moved in accordance with what was expected, but she remained still inside.
Is she waiting for someone? Or something?
She should do something. She's slowly dying.

2007-12-06T03:46:00.000-08:00

Alrighty then, here I am waiting for my colleague to finish work. She's riding with me to go to a vendor's Christmas party.
The season's here but I'm not feelin' it.

2007-11-19T01:03:00.000-08:00

It's a shock to the system when you separate from someone who's been a part of your life for a long time.
You know that you've done what you could to save what you once had.
He tells you that he loves you, but you neither see nor feel it.
He tells you that he'll earn you back and that he has hope in you and him, but don't ask him when.
Now, should you stay and wait or should you go?

2007-11-16T02:57:00.001-08:00

I want to cry

2007-11-09T02:25:00.000-08:00

I'm back in the corporate world and I'm working for a Telco.
Interestingly enough, it was my former boss who got my resume. And despite my otherwise, unappealing resume, I was hired.
It's my second month on the job. The hours have been long and the workload is BIG if not huge. But I find that I'd rather be extremely busy, than be idle and watch the time pass by.
I wasn't so sure at first if I could handle it, but so far I'm hanging in here.
Oh, and I wake up rather early now. I used to complain about waking up at 8 in the morning, but I get jerked by the alarm clock at 6:30 a.m. now. It's a fresh new take on the day and weekdays seem to fly by.
I guess my disposition has improved. I would normally complain to the high heavens about the stress and wanting to leave the office after finishing the mandatory 8 hours of work. And now, 10-12 hours a day sometimes isn't even enough to get things done.
I was talking to Cristina about this the other day.
It was time to grow up.

2007-05-23T02:36:00.000-07:00

I just read my last post. It's been a little over 6 months since I last wrote an entry and a lot has happened.

I must admit that for about 3 or 4 months after I was retrenched, I was in limbo. I didn't feel angry, but for a time there-my morale was low. I didn't want to go back to the corporate world and so I've thought about putting up a food business. I even bought a book entitled: Business Plans for Dummies. My mother planned to sell the house and use the money for capital. But ofcourse, my mother changed her mind and decided not to sell.

And so I felt stuck. The compensation money from my previous job was dimishing. And frankly, I'm not yet ready to become a starving writer. But fortunately, while I was in Hong Kong with my boyfriend last March, my former boss got in touch with me about a job. A few weeks later, I was back in the corporate world again. I just ate my words. I can't complain though because I'm very fortunate. Things happen for a reason. That's such a cliche, but it's still true. My previous jobs have always led to something. I wonder what this one will lead to. Oh well, let's just wait and see...

2006-11-03T00:52:00.000-08:00

The Universe sometimes has a funny way of trying to get you to live your dreams. I guess it really depends on whatever it is that would get your attention. It’s a wake up call-life hitting you on the head telling you that it’s time to live. It’s only unfortunate that some people take things negatively. But who am I to judge? It’s their prerogative to see what they want-the way it’s my decision to see things the way I choose even if at times, they may seem unconventional.

Last Monday, I lost my job. It was like out of nowhere-a boulder suddenly fell on top of my head. I was stunned. I knew that something was going on with the company, but I thought the changes wouldn’t affect me. I was mistaken. Together with a certain percentage of employees, we would only work until the end of the month. Our employer would provide us with a compensation package for this unfortunate circumstance.

I was shocked but as it faded, I found that I wasn’t angry. I emailed my resumes to a couple of friends and head hunters. Other people would normally start looking for a new job immediately, but I wasn’t. I only did that for the sake of doing so. I was on a standstill. This was my wake up call. I’ve always set aside my dreams of becoming a writer because I was scared that I didn’t have the proper education to be one, that people might not like my work and that it was a huge financial risk. So for years, I hid behind the corporate wall-safe with my monthly income and other benefits.

I am absolutely terrified with the prospect of actually pursuing my dream. I’m frozen to the ground and I’m not ready to move just yet. I will budge eventually because there’s nothing worse than waking up 30 years filled with regret. I’m blessed and given the privilege of possessing will power. It’s up to me on whether I choose to use it wisely or not. I honestly don’t know what to do right now, but I’ll figure it out eventually. Time is moving so quickly and I’ve stalled for far too long. I can’t put my dreams on hold anymore. Good Lord…here we go…

2006-10-12T02:20:00.000-07:00

Empathy n. Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives

Understanding n. A disposition to appreciate or share the feelings and thoughts of others

Consequence n. Something that logically or naturally follows from an action or condition

Source: Answers.com

I try my best to keep these words in mind before I give in to what I want and desire for many times I’ve been burned and what’s even worse, is that I've hurt others. It’s hard not to be selfish, but then you tend to loose what you think you’ve acquired eventually. And as with the laws of cause and effect and Karma, you get your fair share of a just reward.

I sometimes wonder if people think of these things as well, or if they comprehend the meaning of these words. It bewilders me when these words don’t seem to come into their thoughts. Do they have any idea what these words mean? Perhaps my mistake sometimes is to expect that they do. I can’t assume, judge or conclude.

I only hope that these words really exist in their minds. The consideration of other people’s feelings is a consideration of your own.

2006-09-19T19:17:00.000-07:00

It’s Berta’s birthday. Sept. 20. She would’ve been 27. It’s been almost 2 years since she passed away and I still have her contact numbers on my cel phone, her address on my email account and her profile on myspace.com. I can’t seem to delete it. For some reason, I’d still like to think that she’s just in the States living her life.

I’ve always asked myself if I’ve really let go or if I’m still in denial whenever I’d come across her contact details either on the phone or whenever I log on to my account on myspace. And every time I’m reminded that she’s dead. But I’d like to think that’s only the physical aspect and that she’s just gone somewhere else-somewhere where she’s better off.

I miss her and I wonder if she knows this. Either way, happy birthday Berta.

2006-09-06T20:46:00.000-07:00

Her anger easily turns into laughter,
Once he starts gazing at her with apologetic eyes.
He seldom finds the right words to say,
But she begins to understand his inadvertent ignorance.

2006-08-29T03:27:00.000-07:00

The warmth suddenly disappeared.
She was concerned because she thought he wasn’t okay.
But instead of being grateful, he snapped at her.

He told her he’d call back and to wait.
And so she waited.
But he never did.

She cried herself to sleep.
It hurt but she tried to understand.
While he remained oblivious.

She tried to explain.
But he didn’t comprehend.
He remained cold because it didn’t matter.

She asked for an apology.
She wanted to work things out.
He ignored her.

What happened to him?
Who was this guy?
Once a man but became a boy somehow.

She wanted to scream.
She wanted to kick some sense into him.
But she held back because she still cared.

She wanted that fateful day to come.
She wanted it so bad.
She wanted to be free.

She still waits.
Her faith in him is starting to diminish.
But he remains motionless.

2006-08-24T20:22:00.000-07:00

There once was a little girl with match sticks.
She loved to light them up.
She was fascinated with the light that came out of the fire.
And the warmth that emanated from it.

She first started to watch the fire burn the match stick.
And at one time, she burned her finger.
It stung and she cried.
Then her mother put on toothpaste and the pain went away.

Her mother told her to be careful with fire.
Because fire was never to be toyed with.
It can radiate such beauty, but when you get too close, it can burn you.
The little girl nodded and understood.

But you see, the girl was stubborn.
She still wanted to play with fire.
So she found pieces in the house to light it with.
Anything that burned was beautiful.

One evening on a cold night, while playing, her dress caught fire.
Her mother ran to her aid and doused the flames with water.
This time it didn’t sting and instead, it hurt more.
Her entire right arm was burnt and she couldn’t stop crying.

As time passed, she avoided fire like the plague.
It didn’t hurt as much anymore.
The wounds healed and left scars.
They looked repulsive so she always had to cover them up.

But her enchantment with fire never went away.
And so little by little, she started playing with matches again.
She thought it harmless since they were just little flames.
But as times passed, those flames grew again.

Her mother begged her to stop.
She kept all the matches away from the little girl.
But the little girl was clever.
She hid match boxes in many secret places.

She knew that playing with fire is dangerous.
But she silenced the warnings in her head.
She was older now she thought.
She knew better.

She thought she could control the fire.
Like a drug addict, she lit one match after the other.
Entranced by the flame she failed to notice that there was a can of kerosene on the top shelf.
And it fell on her.

She screamed and screamed.
She rolled on the ground trying to put the flames out.
But it was of no use because the fire was too strong.
She burned until nothing was left but ashes.

2006-08-24T02:52:00.000-07:00

I’ve been dying to go out of town for quite some time now. The city can be suffocating sometimes and I need nature to breathe. I feel so confined in a small place although I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else.

My life has been relatively quiet. I have a steady pattern of going to work and going out once in a while. I’ve just been craving for something else. It doesn’t have to be a big trip, but just something to break this monotonous living.

2006-08-10T20:45:00.000-07:00

I always turn on the television when I wake up and on weekdays before going to work, the channel is always on BBC World. It’s my little window to remind me that the world I live in is much larger than what goes on in my day-to-day life. It provides me with a reality check every time. It’s terrible, but it gives me a sick sense of comfort to know that I’m better off than many.

Like many people, I’ve got a 9 to 6 job. I go out with Carlos and my friends to movies and gigs. I attend some benefits and give a little to charity. It’s a pretty steady, seemingly guilt free life and I have no complaints about it. I mind my own business and I’m tired of the drama that used to plague my past years. I don’t like conflict and so I’ve created a small comfort zone.

Millions are probably experiencing the same privileges that I have, but unfortunately there are millions who aren’t. So many people live in poverty, prejudice, war stricken homelands, and suffer various diseases. Sometimes I feel guilty that I think I am powerless to help and instigate change, but this is exactly the type of mentality that tolerates and sometimes propagates these terrible realities. Like many of us, we merely turn off the television.

I’ve always admired individuals who have revolutionized civilizations and empowered people. I admire Mahatma Gandhi, Ninoy Aquino, the Dalai Lama, Pope John Paul II, Mother Teresa, Friedrich Nietzsche, Paulo Coelho, Oprah, Bono and so many other heroes. They’ve actually made their passions and ideas a reality. It takes a lot of guts to voice out and put actions to what you believe in to help other people. Not a lot of us have that because it’s easier to give money to the beggar down the street rather than give him a job and a home to live in.

I’m not saying that we need to do something that is big or astounding. Like the people that I’ve mentioned whom I consider heroes, they’ve used their chosen professions to make change a reality and alleviate the terrible things that people are afflicted with. No matter how mediocre our jobs and statuses seem to be, we can always do something profoundly good to help people. It’s only a matter of knowing that we can in fact do something that may seemingly be small, but taken together, may actually eliminate these terrible realities.

2006-07-31T21:17:00.000-07:00

I hear a faint sound.
It's almost a whisper.
"I'm here."

2006-07-26T23:45:00.000-07:00

Can’t think.
Can’t see through this haze.
Where are you?

I’m alone.
I can’t see.
Can you hear me?

It’s cold.
The smoke’s too thick.
Are you still there?

2006-07-10T19:24:00.000-07:00

Just when you think everything’s fine, a bomb suddenly lands on your head and explodes.
You’re stunned and you can’t think because the remains of your brain are scattered all over the place.

Just when you’ve started to share yourself and think you’re transforming into a butterfly, but instead your skin starts to peel and rot.
You try to keep the skin from falling off, but you can’t because there’s no stopping the decay.

What could be worse than feeling lonely when you’re actually in a relationship?
It’s like wearing a thick coat, but you still feel naked and the cold still hurts your bones.

Sometimes you wonder if a whip is better than a feather.
Should you have been harsh rather than kind?

2006-06-19T20:54:00.000-07:00

It’s amusing how a bigger place can offer a smaller world. And how a smaller place can offer a larger world. In a short span of time-I’ve lived in both. They say that it’s all a matter of how you perceive everything and I agree. Depending on how we see things, everything is relative.

I keep seeing visions of the previous life I’ve had in the States recently. I remember the restaurants we used to visit, the scenic views of the bay that I used to get lost in, and the trips I’d take to the city to shop and take long walks. Life can be ideal there. I miss it and I somewhat wish I could go back in time to experience it again. Though it can get stressful at work and lonely sometimes, it had its wonderful moments.

I ask myself if I want to go back and I feel uncertain. I’d like to live a life there again but perhaps I’m just not ready yet. For now, I’m still finding out the possibilities that this small space amidst the jungle of concrete, steel and glass offers.

It’s somehow ironic that these two places can offer opposites. They both contain the pieces of the puzzle of the world I desire. How can I put them together? Or do some of us always have to live in places that have certain pieces missing? Is it possible to make things whole?

I watch people around me and I find that they’re settled. They stand firmly on the ground beneath their feet and they’re consumed with strengthening its foundation. It’s like they’ve pieced the puzzle together and have now started to apply cement. I sometimes wonder why I’m not like them. I’m still trying to find out where I belong.

2006-06-13T02:47:00.000-07:00

I was walking in the park one Sunday afternoon.
The sun was about to set and the sky was filled with beautiful vibrant colors of blue, purple, pink and orange.
The breeze was calm and I could hear the leaves rustling on the trees.
It was calm and peaceful.

I paused on my tracks to appreciate the view of the horizon.
I thought to myself that ‘I wish all afternoons were like this’.
But then ‘Nah, all afternoons would just like be any other.’
I took a long deep breath and continued on my path.

Suddenly a distinctive tree caught my attention.
Unlike the other surrounding trees, it only bore 1 fruit.
I could not make out what kind of fruit it was, but it looked enticing.
And so I increased my pace and walked towards it to take a closer look.

The tree was not big, but it was not small either.
I somewhat felt that it was the right size that I would like to have if I had a garden.
It had numerous branches and the leaves boasted the most intense color of green.
And the fruit gleamed of the most tempting red that made my mouth water.

The fruit was not an apple for I hate apples.
I still couldn’t determine what it was even if I was close enough to almost touch it.
But I could not because it was out of reach from where I stood.
It seemed more appealing because it was so near and yet it wasn’t.

There were a number of obstacles before I could reach up to get the fruit.
The first was that the tree was surrounded by mud.
It was quite odd because the other trees were surrounded by grass.
The second was that I had to climb and step on a thin branch before I could grasp the fruit in my hand.

I contemplated and stared as the fruit whispered so many delicious words to me.
Then a scent touched the tip of my nose and it drew me closer.
I was beginning to really want it and the mystery and wonder became almost hard to bear.
And so I took a step in the mud despite ruining my precious slippers.

My foot sank deep and it felt icky.
While the tree smelled sweet, the mud had a repulsing smell.
But when I looked up, I was closer to the fruit.
The sight of it was overpowering the stench of the mud.

I tried to plant my foot firmly in the mud to prevent myself from slipping, but I couldn’t and I wound up sinking even deeper.
I suddenly felt uneasy.
Something inside of me told me that maybe the fruit’s not as tasteful as I might’ve imagined it to be.
As the minutes passed, my foot sank deeper and I could feel tiny insects crawling around my foot.

Slowly, I was feeling fear and the breeze blew a colder wind.
The stench was growing stronger but then I thought ‘why don’t I climb on to the branch?’
Although, there was no way that I could avoid stepping my other foot in the mud.
‘Should I take the risk so that I can taste the fruit?’ I asked myself

I looked at the fruit and felt myself moving the other to step in the mud.
And just as I was about to touch the mud, I planted my foot back on the grass.
I tugged at the other and pulled it out of the mud.
Then I slowly turned around and started walking away.

‘But what if it offers the most extraordinary taste that I won’t ever find anywhere else in the world?’
‘What if this is the only chance I’m presented with to grab that fruit?’
‘It’s just there. I can go back.’
These were the thoughts that flooded my head.

I was struggling not to look back.
I continued to ask questions ‘What if someone else gets it?’
My mouth was still watering and the wonderful smell still lingered.
‘Let someone else have it. It’s not worth the risk.’

2006-04-25T21:01:00.000-07:00

Been experiencing blogger block again after quite so time. So many things have happened and yet I wind up staring at a blank page each time. So much to tell and yet they remain contained inside.

After more than 2 years, I'm in a relationship again...can you feel me smile?

The past events confirm the saying that everything happens at the right time...so fast and yet free flowing. It's like things really can be easy and I found myself wondering why I've been making things complicated. Certain things I've tried to insist upon when they're just not meant because there really is something better. And it really is a choice on whether you choose to wallow in sorrow because life's unfair or that life can be good and you can infact make the decision to be happy. Such simple things said but sometimes takes a lifetime to realize.

2006-02-27T22:48:00.000-08:00

When do you say that enough is enough?
Where do you draw the line?

I should've been born psychic.
So that I'll know what to give all the time.

Sometimes though, you try to give everything, but it's still not enough.
Because you can't truly give what's really wanted.

Sometimes the hardest person to see is yourself.
And sometimes it's the easiest and others seem invisible.

It's painful to be invisible.

2006-02-16T23:02:00.000-08:00

I need to go to the beach.

2006-02-15T20:59:00.000-08:00

This entry was written last February 7,2006:

Sprinkle sand on my eyes
And let me float to sea
View the red through my lids
See the orange turn to black

I still dream about the dawn under the trees
With the warm remembrance of youth
You and I seemed surreal
Time seemed to stand still

Moments written on a paper inside a bottle
Let the current decide where it should go
Watch it as it disappears into the horizon
Hope that it can be found or perhaps not

I gently push myself against the water
Feel myself glide through and over it
It's as if I'm between two worlds
Neither belonging to each one

Perhaps we all are in between at one point or another
Others swimming fast and slow
Still lost and wandering aimlessly
Trying to find existence in a world

2006-02-15T20:24:00.000-08:00

This entry was written last January 11,2006:

Took a pill to stop the tears
Took a pill to calm the restlessness
Took a pill to calm my fears
Took a pill to drown consciousness

The Sun wasn't brighter
The days weren't darker
Life was how it should've been
Just went with the motions

Emptiness masked with a calm smile
Devoid of emotion
Thorns and needles stuck in a cushion
That remained to float because of weightlessness

Stab me and I wont bleed
Bash my head against the wall and I wont cry
Cut my wrists and I wont die
Because I was already dead

Days turned into nights
And nights turned into days
I floated through them
Like a ghost amidst the realm of the living

2006-01-31T01:39:00.000-08:00

I found out that a friend of mine died the other day.
Ever since Berta passed away, I've been having a very difficult time dealing with death.
There's an intense sadness and there's always something surreal about it.
You look around and see that everything is still moving around you.
You're left to wonder and ask why doesn't anyone stop.
But then you can't really expect everyone to pause and mourn.
Life just goes on.

2006-01-09T16:16:00.000-08:00

Someone recently asked me when was the last time I was happy and I suddenly retreated to that beautiful day:

I was in Bora with Cristina during holy week last year and it was a Black Saturday. As usual, we were enjoying a good drink while watching the sun set on the horizon. We were both sloshed and enjoying a good conversation with Ilac or rather she was enjoying a good chat while I lounged around.
I suddenly felt like I wanted a good swim so I left them by the shore and slowly walked to the sea. The sun felt warm and the water was soothing against my skin as I floated towards the sunset. I looked up to the sky and felt gratitude.
It was such a wonderful and tranquil moment in my life. I had no worries, no anger, no fear nor sadness. I was part of the earth and the earth was part of me. I was happy.

I'd like to feel that way again. And this time I don't want it to be temporary. I want my peace of mind again for I have lived as if everyday's color was gray. I have failed to see the colors surrounding me.

I've always figured that seeing gray was safe because seeing colors fade was more painful than anything. There was a twisted sense of comfort for a long time there. It became the familiar.

But I don't want that anymore. I'm tired of being tired and I want to breathe again. It's still a struggle-wondering each night if tomorrow may be a bright or cloudy day. Right now, I just pray for the strength to overcome the darkness within me.

2006-01-08T21:31:00.000-08:00

People can be cruel sometimes.
You treat them well and regard them highly, but instead they speak ill of you behind your back.
You're left trying to figure out why.
You're left feeling betrayed and foolish for being good to them.

On the other hand, people can be wonderful.
When you think that they don't care, they actually do.
They see through the pain and shortcomings.
You're left feeling loved and foolish for not having believed it sooner.

People are people and they're all different.
They may have their reasons however unfair they may be.
It's hard to fathom sometimes why they are the way they are.
But what really matters is the love that they bring.

2006-01-02T16:37:00.000-08:00

Couldn't sleep.
Perhaps the Sandman was angry with me.
Stared into the night until daylight came.
Everything seemed to be on a stand still.
The tears have stopped momentarily.
The silence was deafening.
Images of the past linger.

Drove towards the sunrise.
The light blinded me.
The world was moving.
People chattered about.
Smiles and greetings exchanged.
But I just wanted to go back into the night.
I wanted to remain frozen.

2006-01-01T17:30:00.000-08:00

I was sailing through calm waters with the clear blue sky smiling down on me when suddenly a storm appeared on the horizon. I knew that the storm could sink my boat and drown me and I still went towards that direction. For some reason I was drawn to it and even if it was inevitable that I would suffer damages, I went for it. True enough, I'm left with the broken pieces and was left floating on a draft.

I knew he was wrong for me, but I still maintained a glimmer of hope-thinking that it can work out. And so we had a beautiful Christmas, but a terrible and tearful new year. I don't know where to begin and how we started to argue, but I found that it was bringing out the worst in me. I tried to explain myself, but every time I did, I would run against a brick wall. I don't know if he refused to listen or he just didn't understand me.

Part of me admits that I really did freak out and inadvertently pushed him away. I was scared to be with him because I realized that I was really scared shitless to be with anyone. I've built up a huge and thick wall around me to precisely protect me from this kind of pain. I didn't realize until now that I have been jaded all this time and thought that nothing really lasts forever. We create so many memories and in the end, all that we're left with are just those-ghosts of the past.

I liked to think of myself as a strong person. I was always defensive about my independence because I didn't want to rely on anyone. I've developed a fear from previous experiences and basically growing up alone. Everyone at one point or another leaves. And so I've somewhat isolated myself-never letting anyone too near and if I did, I had to condition my expectations. As awful as it sounds, that state of being helped me survive the trials and tragedies all these years. It's only now that I'm admitting these for I have been ashamed and insecure about this fact for so long.

I'm just grateful for wonderful friends. I'm thankful for friends who understand and who see the beauty through the flaws. I'm finally learning to show my pain and open up. I can't stand this turmoil anymore and I'd like to change. These are my issues and I'd like to overcome them. I've been denying that I've had this constant lurking sadness far too long and now I'm standing here wanting to be happy.

2005-12-12T15:47:00.000-08:00

Just when you're losing sight of what you've always wanted and deserved, the haze suddenly starts to clear up. Then you see and remember the pretty picture that you've painted. It's a life that you've always wanted with loving people surrounding you. There's a new found warmth after the cold that's been hurting your bones and the blood begins to flow again.

So many bad things happened and you've resigned to the fact that what you've wanted and dreamed of are simply unattainable-things that you've somehow believed that only others could only have. Certain people and circumstances led to so many disappointments and you've discovered a twisted sort of comfort in jadedness. It's better to be secluded than to risk baring yourself to people's capability of cruelty.

It's wonderful when people remind you of the things that matter most in your life. It's comforting to know that there are people who just take your hand somehow knowing that you've unwittingly been crying out for help. It's like they can feel your pain through the porcelain smile. They need not ask nor do they say that they do know your private suffering and instead they merely see and appreciate the beauty and goodness in you.

I'm very grateful for these people. And I thank them for being there, not because I asked for help, but for merely appreciating the person that I thought I have buried and forgotten. They have seen me when I couldn't see myself and reminded me of who I am. They made me see in their eyes that I actually deserve and can have what I wanted.

2005-11-28T16:06:00.000-08:00

I'm about to start a new day at work and I'm wishing that it were Friday again. Well, this is nothing new-I always wish it were a friday and that it's time for me to kick back and relax with friends and spend my Sundays home watching tv.

But today, I want it more than most days. I want to be home lying in my bed and letting myself be preoccupied with the shows on tv. I've been feeling down and I want to escape where I am at right now.

The holidays almost always manage to bring me down. It's a reminder of loneliness and inadequacy of the past and what the future may bring. Such a bleak perspective I know. I've always struggled with this, but it's only now that I'm actually admiting this truth about what I've been masking out for many years...

2005-11-14T16:13:00.000-08:00

My last entry has spoken about a real turning point in my life. It was like the dawn of a new day-A day filled with hope and infinite possibilities. Though I still struggle with trying to figure out how to get what I want out of life and how to live my dreams, I'm breathing new air and I've got a smile on my face.

I've decided to get a job in the field of IT again and I've been working for about a month now. It's been really busy and stressful. I've experienced a shock in my system after being a bum for about 7 months. But even if I go home exhausted, there's a sense of fulfillment. I feel that I've taken the next steps towards real change.

I'm still getting accustomed to the scheme of things at work. I'm still feeling the shock of the fast pace and work load. But it's a challenge that I'll overcome eventually. I'll probably have entries about the good and the bad things the future will bring. It's part of work and it's part of life. I look forward to and dread them at the same time.

2005-09-26T01:31:00.000-07:00

I woke up yesterday feeling that I've hit rock bottom.
Cristina's phone call saved me from a terrible dream.
An extreme feeling of depression washed over me.
My room seemed larger than it was and the sounds seemed to echo.
I felt as if I was trapped in my bed-frozen from an undefinable fear.
Instead of putting the phone down, I decided to talk to her.
I needed someone to keep me company.
I didn't want to be alone with myself.
For some reason, I've become my own enemy and I was afraid of me.

The seemingly endless drunken nights and mornings have finally taken a toll on me.
I wasn't aware that I've been sucked in a terrible kind of everydayness.
I've considered myself as somewhat of an escapist, but I never thought that this could ever happen.
I died and became a walking zombie.
There were so many things to do to make use of my time, but I ignored them.
I have become so accustomed to going out to drink with friends.
There's nothing wrong with that except that I always had to be tipsy if not drunk.
It was a state that was easy to handle and it really didn't require much thinking.
It was simple and stress free.

Since it didn't require thinking, I did things without hessitation.
I would normally think of the consequences, but the alcohol impaired my judgement.
I would always try to live in the moment-even if it was wrong.
Things always seemed good in a blur.
I would wake up knowing my errors, but I would always wash away the feelings of regret.
I would push them out of my mind as if they were just a bad dream.
It was a vicious cycle that I denied.
I had issues like everyone else.
I just didn't want to deal.

Yesterday was a rude awakening, but I know that it had to happen.
And I am thankful that it did.
Because it brought me to my consciousness.
It's the first step towards acknowledging the things that I have to address with myself.
I found myself to be in a very dark place, but I could finally see the faint light in the distance.
It was a renewed hope that I thought I had lost.
The world that was spinning around me was finally slowing down.
Or perhaps it was just me who kept twirling so fast.
But I finally got ahold of myself and I wasn't dizzy anymore.

I woke up today to a brighter sun.
I went outside to my balcony to feel the warmth on my skin.
I saw everything with so much clarity.
It's the beginning of something better.
Change is comforting even if at times it may be disconcerting.
For a time there my world small, but now it's bigger place again.
It's a liberating feeling when you choose to know that you can define your life.
And that you can actually make decisions and walk a different path from what you're used to.
I've chosen not to be paralyzed and controlled by fear anymore.
I have chosen to live again...

2005-09-11T22:43:00.000-07:00

Seasons come and seasons go. I can't believe that Christmas is just a few months from now. I feel like I just had my birthday-even if it's already been a while. And then the end of the year is near again. It's like I've been standing still for a very long time while everything else is moving around me. Still, it's my choice. Though I'm guilty of procrastrination, I'm re-evaluating what I want out of life.

Should I get a job here? Should I take a shot in another country? Should I go back to the States? Should I become a real guitarist? Should I go back to school and study Art? Should I start up a small food business? Should I become a Flight Attendant so I can write and travel the world? All these questions and I still don't have the answers. I pray that I wake up one day and find out.

2005-08-08T00:16:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've shared what's been on my mind. I have retreated into myself and confined them in my written journal. But here's one poem that I've written last July 25,2005:

Watching TV to pass the time
Trying to calm the restlessness inside
Wanting someone to talk with
But refusing to admit it

It's harder to speak the truth as we grow
We all have our reasons I know
Sometimes I wish I were a child again
With only external wounds to mend

I want to shout what I feel
To somehow help me heal
But sometimes no one will listen
Or rather I just don't want it to be a burden

And so I smile and laugh with the crowd
Let myself be consumed with the sounds
I figure that it's better this way
I don't have to wait for them to leave or stay

But with one question I snap
The lights are out and I let down my act
Still, I do not speak what I feel inside
I feel that I'm crumbling and I just want to hide

So I stand up and hold my head up high
Bid my friend goodbye with a smile
I merely walk towards my car and start the engine
Though it's warm and ready to go, I'm not moving

2005-06-14T01:02:00.000-07:00

The rain is falling
but my spirits are up

2005-05-29T11:44:00.000-07:00

I am currently riding the waves of senselessness...Stop...listen...then talk... The room is filled with laughter and foolish things. Let them talk and express and allow yourself be taken along on this crazy ride. It's fun.

2005-05-11T01:30:00.000-07:00

I’ve always tried to be REAL with people hoping that they would do the same. Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it. People wear so many masks that it’s so hard to tell which ones show their true selves. I can only speculate on the reasons why they do this. Perhaps it’s to cover insecurities or to protect themselves because they’ve been burned before.

You see one face-examine it well, try to know it with its many expressions, the softness of its skin, the beauty and imperfections of its features. But just when you think you feel that you know it so well and grow very fond of it, it changes instantly. You’re not sure if it’s real or simply another mask. You’re left wondering why and the feeling of betrayal follows.

Still, we all have the free will to make choices. You can become jaded and become, not who, but what they are. You could either form and shape your own masks or go on the way you were and remain REAL. Or you could have masks and choose to take them off once you find that a person is worthy of experiencing who you are. But then how can you truly know? I don’t.

I, for one, would rather not wear masks because I know too damn well how it feels to be deceived and I’ve worn so many for so long. Hence, I choose to remain REAL. It’s difficult, but I’d rather know and accept who I am. Well, at least I try my best to be. And besides, it avoids complications later on.

No matter how many times we’ve been burned and betrayed, we still have to trust and have faith in people. I mean how else can we share wonderful moments if we didn’t? We just can’t expect them to treat us the same way we treat them because if we did, we’d only be disappointed. I was guilty of that. I thought I had faith, but it was expectation. I expected to receive what I gave-I’m being real so take off your mask. I had that wrong notion and I realize that now.

There are so many risks once you leave your face bare. It leaves us vulnerable, but then how can we experience things that are true if we don't? How can we see true beauty if what we show is fake? So even if I've been hurt so many times over, I still choose to take that risk and remain REAL in hope that some people can be too and so that we can actually feel genuine happiness even if it is only for a little while...

2005-04-18T00:31:00.000-07:00

And just when you thought things couldn't possibly get worse, they do.

2005-04-17T23:56:00.000-07:00

Ever wonder why we meet the people that we do? Why do some remain in contact with us while others only spend a brief moment in our lives?

There's always a lesson to be learned somewhere. People are connected to us for certain reasons. Some people are there to help us grow. Some are there to help us be strong during difficult times. Others are there to let us know that we can in fact be loved despite our faults and shortcomings.

I am very grateful for the people who have been there, helped me learn and change. It's like we cross each other's paths for each other's betterment. We may not be aware of these things sometimes. A simple word or sentence to a family member, friend, acquaintance, co-worker or stranger can be life changing.

But sometimes I wonder why certain people enter our lives and make us feel alive in an instant and then leave us dead and broken on the next. To connect with people on a very personal and intimate level is very difficult because it makes us vulnerable. It's always a risk, but we still take it anyway. There's a very fine line between fulfillment and disappointment.

There's a certain surrealness with some people that enter our lives that we develop feelings for, connect with and then they suddenly leave. And you wonder how they can become strangers all of a sudden where as yesterday, it felt like you've know them all your life. Did they exist? Did all of those moments shared really happen? Or were they all just a dream?

Why do these things happen? Why are we left in despair when we did nothing wrong? It's like we were awakened to become the best that we can be only to discover the worst in us as well. We were fine before all this happened and then suddenly we have to pick up the broken pieces to make us whole again.

Was it all worth it? Sometimes they are and at times I'm just not so sure anymore. It's very difficult to remain optimistic and easier to be numb but protected. I guess this is also the reason why many of us would rather sleep walk most of our lives because it serves as a shield against pain and loss.

2005-03-29T23:46:00.000-08:00

It's been more than a month since my last entry. I somehow lost interest in writing-well, in public anyway. I have to admit that I've been quite down and I had a lot on my mind during that time. I don't like to write about negative things and all too confusing thoughts without having them figured out anyway.

I haven't told a lot of people that I'm back. And the friends and acqaintances that have seen me ask if I'm back for good. I don't give a straight answer because I really don't know what the future for me holds.

It's just great to be back! I missed my friends so much and I don't know how long I could've lasted without going nuts there. For now, I'm taking a long break from work and hopefully by next month I will be able to figure out what I really want to do for a living!

My time now is for deep contemplation and relaxation. Gotta admit that I've been burnt out. But I've learned a lot-figured out some things that even my father took more than 40 years to realize. It's really simple but surprisingly, not a lot of people understand this-happiness isn't really earning a lot of money or living the "American Dream", it's about enjoying what you do, helping people from time to time, and being confident with who you are without having to subject your own life with the standards of other people.

There are still many more lessons to learn. These lessons are easy to define but it takes more than a lifetime to understand...

2005-02-16T11:17:00.000-08:00

Just when you think you've figured things out-you haven't.

2005-01-27T20:36:00.000-08:00

Last saturday I hooked up with Joe and his girlfriend Moo. I've been planning to since I got here, but because of the holidays and limited weekends it took two months before we saw each other. Weekends here have to be well spent because there's no time during the work week to go out unlike in Manila. I miss that very much. Although, on the brighter side of things-this kind of situation makes me appreciate weekends more. Even as we're slaving away at work, it's something to look forward to.

As usual, I took the Bart and was picked up at the Daly City Station. Joe and I had dinner at this Thai restaurant and later on went to his girlfriend's house to hang out and for me to get settled in before we went out. Since I lived far away, they invited me to spend the night there. And when we got there, I was pleased to find that Moo's a very cool girl and an easy person to talk to. She was very accomodating and fun.

They took me to this club called Snow Drift. It was located in the industrial part of SF and there was no other bar close by. It's a cool place. For that evening, a lot of Pinoys were there. It's funny that I felt like I was in Manila for a short while. I also saw some familiar faces. The only downside of it was that the crowd wasn't as sociable. I remember an American trying to befriend the group beside us by toasting and greeting them and he was ignored. It's not that they were snobbish, I guess partly it's some shy nature that we have or simply-it's just the way we are.

I, for one, am a shy person-the type who wouldn't start a conversation and wouldn't talk unless spoken to. But I find that I am more sociable and friendly here. Perhaps it's because people here are more friendly and chances are, my greeting would be acknowledged. I remember whenever I'd try to talk with a stranger in Manila, I'd find that they're either awkward in having to talk or they simply act as if they haven't heard anything. It's like you have to be introduced before an easy conversation could take place. But the good thing about it is that once we're well acquainted, there's a certain warmth and connection that follows.

After hanging out for a few hours in Snow Drift, they took me to Voodoo Lounge. And I must say that I like the place. It somehow reminded me of a bar in Malate, but it was brighter. What also appealed to me was that the crowd was diverse. You can mingle with anyone and everyone. I wanted to stay longer, but we couldn't because the bar was about to close. That's one of the downsides here-the bars close early.

They drove me home the next day. But before that, we went to Ashby to have brunch. I had a manageable hangover so I was able to enjoy the brief walk to the ecclectic Hawaiin cafe. It was nice to look around because the place had an artsy crowd and the shops were interesting. And as I was walking, I thought of going back by myself so that I would have the freedom to look around and shop at my own pace without having to hassle anyone.

Little by little, I'm able to go around. What may seem to be ordinary to everyone else is for me, an exploration already. I'm exploring a new place, finding new things and learning a new culture. Even if we are somehow westernized, it is still different to actually experience it. I feel like a child discovering new things and it's fun. And little by little, I think I'm beginning to overcome that certain fear of having to do something by myself and on my own in a foreign land (to think that I've always thought of myself as a very independent and somewhat fearless person).

2005-01-11T22:11:00.000-08:00

As with the rule of opposites-there are good days and bad days. And today was a bad one for me. I had a slight misunderstanding with someone and had to muster the strength to keep myself from saying anything harsh and hurtful. My patience and temperament was being tested and I succeeded in biting my tongue, but failed to prevent myself from crying out of frustration. That incident provoked all the pent up stress and sorrow within me. I had to struggle to regain control over my emotions to be able to go about my business. All the while I was trying to be logical and understanding as I thought it better to remain quiet than say anything that would exacerbate the situation.

Again I must say that patience truly is a difficult virtue to keep. Swallowing up the words of retaliation takes a tremendous amount of strength, but takes it's toll in one way or the other because you prevent the release of emotion. I've kept my mouth shut and maintained my head up high with dignity to prove my self worth, express my good breeding and maintain the good values that I've learned and regained. It's hard when many are out to look for all the mistakes that you could possibly commit. Your every step, breath, and words that you mutter are closely watched.

It's difficult to draw the line between constructive and destructive criticism. It hurts to be criticized, but then it is also essential for change, growth and improvement. So I try to take it and interpret it the best way I can-not as a threat but as a challenge to be better. My understanding has to be stretched beyond its limits. My heart and spirit must maintain pure even if it is threated to be polluted by what could be a harsh environment. I will not retaliate with the same stone or bullet fired at me. I will leave the stone on the ground where it fell after hitting me and extract the bullets from my body and throw them away. I will acknowledge my mistakes, but for those I have none, I will simply stand up and walk away knowing that I am a better person.

2004-12-29T13:29:00.000-08:00

Just when I thought that my friends were beginning to forget me, I got a package last night which contained a book sent by Cristina. It was a children's book entitled: The Little Soul and the Sun. I was so touched that I had to call her immediately and thank her. (Thanks again huny!) The connection was pretty bad so we had a bit of a difficult time hearing each other, but despite that we enjoyed our conversation.

I read the book right after our conversation. The story was a brief but touching explanation as to why bad things happen in this world and the explanation of the rule of opposites. It contained beautiful illustrations which made it all the more enjoyable to read. And when I finished reading the book, I imagined myself keeping this book and reading it to my child in the future during bedtime. I had never pictured myself as a parent so this is a first for me.

Anyway, I feel so blessed to have wonderful and sweet friends. Each holds a special place in my heart. I, for one, have a difficult time expressing touchy feely emotions and I'm a person that rarely shows emotions-in short, I'm a person that's hard to read. But then if I don't express what and how I feel from time to time, I might end up regreting what I refused to communicate. I mean life's too short for crummy excuses such as being shy and shit. So here I am telling you guys that I love you! I may be far away, but you know that I'll always be there.

2004-12-28T11:37:00.000-08:00

When I got home from SF last sunday, Gello-Gerard's brother told me about the Asia Tsunami. So I turned on the television in my room and switched the channel to CNN. And there I saw the devastation that happened in Sri Lanka, India, Indonesia and Thailand-among the many countries affected. I saw the footage shot when the Tsunami hit the beaches and heard the reports saying that the death toll was rising. I felt tears stinging my eyes as they showed the dead bodies and the grieving people. My heart went out to them.

It was a sudden and painful death for so many people. And whenever catastrophies such as this happen, we always look for the cause and in part, where to put the blame. It was a natural disaster and there was really no one to blame. I can't describe it as nature's wrath because it wasn't because it wasn't affected by man, so to say it sadly, it was simply a part of mother nature.

We tend to ask why these terrible things happen. Some would say that it's God's wrath to punish the sinful people of this earth. It really depends on what your belief is and how you would like to make sense of these tragic events. And so I wondered what the possible reasons could be. I believe that everything on this earth is connected in one way or another. Perhaps it's nature's way of preventing overpopulation. Perhaps it's God's way of reminding us that our lives here are temporary and not to take anything for granted. Perhaps it's a wake-up call for everyone and to help us realize what really matters-peace and love. (never thought I'd say something that sounds so cheezy, but it's true.)

No matter what anyone's belief is, it's there for the purpose of helping us realize life's essence and humanity. It's there for the betterment of ourselves. We always have a choice in things even if they are beyond our control sometimes. We have the choice of what we make of things and how we would like to deal with them. A friend once told me "Life is how you see it" and I totally agree. We choose what and how we want to see everything.

2004-12-27T13:24:00.000-08:00

I had planned to spend the Christmas weekend with my Aunt and Uncle in Daly City. And since holiday traffic was terrible and I lived far away, I had to take the Bart because it was more practical. Mind you, I've never taken the Bart before. I felt like a child that was going on a new adventure (even if it seemed so ordinary, I was excited). So that Christmas afternoon at 30 minutes past 3 I took my very first ride.

My friend Gerard dropped me off at the El Cerrito station. I said goodbye and went to buy a ticket. I bought the wrong ticket and so I had to buy another one. After purchasing the right ticket, I got in and took a comfortable seat near the door. And so my first Bart ride began.
I thought everything was going smoothly and so I relaxed and enjoyed some of the scenery that the route offered.

I got off at the right station and confidently walked towards the exit. But when I slipped my hand in my pocket, I couldn't find the ticket. I lost the damn thing and when I looked around, there was no one at the booth! I went to the ticket machine and found that it only took 1 or 5 dollar bills and I only had a twenty. In my head I thought "what in the world do I do now?!" I saw an emergency exit door and decided to take it since there was no one there.

The moment I got out, a man in a uniform approached me and said "You're not supposed to use the emergency exit." So I apologized and explained that it was my first time to take the Bart." and smiled. He only looked at me and said "If the Bart police caught you, you would've been fined 500 dollars." I then asked "So how do we go about this?" And so he led me to a ticket machine which accepted 20s and I purchased a ticket which I then handed to him. I thought "Geez, where's your holiday spirit?" Apparently, he either had none or he was just being defensive. Oh well, either way, he did his job.

I walked out and called my Aunt to ask her to pick me up. And as I thought that things couldn't get any worse, the man and another guy got into a big fight. As I listened to their verbal exchange of curses and arguments, I found that the other guy was trying to get in without a ticket.

I lit a cigarette and thought "Now this is another misadventure that will go in the books and be among the many that have happened and will probably happen in the future. Bad shit tends to happen to me and sometimes they come in three consecutive instances that inadvertently becomes funny. It's like-just when I thought, things couldn't get any worse-they do. I only end up laughing about it. I mean when I think about it, those bad instances are like scenes from a comedy and I have the starring role.

Shit happens once in a while and my take on that is-it's not worth stressing over and laughing about it is the best way to deal with it. It's healthy to have a sense of humor. I also find that these misadventures turn into stories that I tell people to get their spirits up whenever things go wrong or that their having a bad day. I guess also like with the rule of opposites-they define each other. So it's like bad shit happens to put emphasis and help us value the good things that have happened and all the good that we've got going in our lives.

2004-12-22T14:55:00.000-08:00

There's a usual scent that I love smelling during Christmas time. It's a frangrance that is both bitter and sweet. It reminds me of Christmas past and it fills me with wonder of what the future holds as I try to experience the present. I look at the stars at night and feel the cool breeze as it passes me.

Memories flood my mind with the mixture of those wonderful and lonely moments. I choose to remember them each time even if some of those I've spent alone beside the dimly lit Christmas tree at home while my parents were away. Those sad moments remind me of the beautiful and happy instances. It's like they have to co-exist so as to emphasize joyfulness with the sadness.

But that usual scent is nowhere to be found here. I can't smell anything. The cold numbs my nose and the fog blurs the night sky. Though I am not filled with sadness nor am I happy. I'm looking forward to what new things may come. Memories here have yet to take place.

2004-12-12T16:56:00.000-08:00

When I came home from a late lunch I went outside for a cigarette. It was something that I normally do especially on a full stomach. And just like any other afternoon, I wasn't expecting to see anything but the still street of the neighborhood.

As I was walking down the garage preparing to light my stick, I stopped dead on my tracks. I was taken by the scenery of the bay. The rays of sun were peering through the clouds and it looked as if angels were about to descend from the heaven above. It was a calming sight and even if it was freezing cold, it provided some sort of warmth that spread throughout my insides.

I thought to myself that nature never fails to display enchanting beauty. No two mornings, afternoons, evenings are the same. It always provides a sense of awe and wonder whenever you stop and marvel at the sight it provides. Even if you are within a city, up on the mountains or by the beach, there's always something wonderful that it offers to anyone and everyone. It's like time ceases to exist and you feel like you are surrounded by perfect beauty that many photographs or paintings try to capture.

2004-12-07T23:03:00.000-08:00

For the past few days I've been listening to songs by Indie bands on myspace.com.

I guess I miss what I used to enjoy in Manila-which was watch bands like Bamboo, Stonefree, Overtone, Velcro and yes, Craig Davis and the New Waves play on week nights and weekends. I loved it and I had a blast with Cristina and Margie-though sometimes Cristina's clueless about which band was playing. Anyway, I would listen and move to the music that they made and drink until I got drunk then go home and nurse the hangover the following day. I would vow not to drink as much, but wind up never keeping that promise the moment I'm out again. Cristina, Margie and I always had wonderful conversations on those nights.

I miss those carefree weekends, but I'm glad for having experienced them with great friends. Capones, Yaku and Peligro are the places where I wish I could go to whenever I'm stressed here. But I can't. I'm far from the party now and I will be for a long time. I'll read about it on blogs or online journals and I must admit, I can't help but be envious. And I can only wonder and imagine what it could've felt like if I was there to experience it. Sigh. Oh well. What I have though are memories that I can retreat to. Memories that would make me smile. The songs that I listen to from Indie Bands inspite of them being different will remind me of them.

2004-12-05T01:25:00.000-08:00

Patience truly is a virtue and it's a virtue that's difficult to keep. It's like you stretch understanding beyond its limits. You have to breathe in and say "let it go" as you exhale. You think that it's not worth it and like a cold gust of wind, it passes you by.

People are different and you can't always expect them to treat you the way you treat them. Because if you do, you'll only end up with disappointment. There's a very thin line as to when to tolerate and when to fight back. It's hard to maintain control over emotions and be mindful of the possible effects whenever we act on impulse.

When your patience is tested, it's always a predicament. It's hard not to retaliate once we are provoked and once our being is attacked by anyone-be it a stranger, an acquaintance, a friend or a relative. Once we act on emotions and throw the same punch that that person has, we only end up exacerbating the situation more often than not.

So I guess the best way is to remain silent and step back. Try not to judge but try to read them and understand. It may not always seem fair, but then it's true with the saying "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind". Revenge isn't always sweet because sometimes you're only prolonging and continuing the agony between people. In a way, you're preventing yourself and other people from seeing the better side of things which is forgiveness and harmony.

An Aunt once told me that I had the gift of discernment. I only pray that I keep it and the virtue of patience.

2004-11-30T22:10:00.000-08:00

Learning something new about yourself never ceases.

I feel that I'm finally on my own-well, sort of. I'm currently living in a nice suburban house with my friend and his brother. We each have our chores to do-my friend drives the car, his brother takes out the trash on monday nights, and I cook from time to time. We all do the groceries and our own laundry, and I have yet to clean the house. I pay rent so each and every purchase I make is carefully budgeted-well, at least I try to. It may all seem so ordinary, but I'm having fun. It's a totally different environment and it's very quiet. It feels like a break from the busy, intoxicating makati life I used to have.

Like most suburban neighborhoods, it's quiet. When I wake up every morning, I go out to soak up the morning sun and smoke a cigarette with my butt freezing cold. I watch as the seagulls fly by and the cat trying to sneak past me. And when we get home and go in each of our rooms, I look around the room which will be my sanctuary at least for the coming months-still in disbelief that I'm here. I am beginning a new adventure and continuing the journey of my life. I wonder what could be next.

Apart from the guys shouting while they play Final Fantasy 11 and the bit of noise from the TV in my room, I'm surrounded by a different form of silence. I always enjoy being lost in my thoughts wherever I am and I love how the environment can influence their flow. My current environment is helping me relax and set my goals straight. For a very long time, I've been ambitious and imagined a high powered corporate life for myself-highly materialistic and vanity driven. But now I just want to make enough money to be able to live comfortably and enjoy the simple pleasures of life.

Am I getting old? I don't think so. Perhaps, I've just had enough of living by the "work hard, party hard" motto and ending up broke 5 days before the next pay day. I'm tired of slaving the week and getting wasted on weekends. Though I don't regret all those fantastic and wonderful nights out with Cristina and Margie and friends at where else?-Capones! Am I growing up? I've been growing. I look around at the younger people around me and sometimes I wish I could turn back time and be at their age again. But then, I don't think I would like to trade learning for youth. I am where I am supposed to be. Situations and experiences have to vary to help us become who we want to be.

2004-11-25T23:56:00.000-08:00

From time to time, I maka drastic decisions. I like to surprise people and more so, I like to surprise myself. Though some of them have gotten me into trouble. But then they're there to spice things up and make life more interesting. I mean wouldn't it be boring if you always made the well thought out and the right decisions all the time? Unpredictability sometimes bring unexpected pleasure and good results. This is not to say that every impulsive choice is justifiable. I think I've made so many mistakes and have already grown to know when to make such decisions or when to step back and think it over first.

My decision to leave, on the other hand, was a drastic and yet well thought out. Perhaps it's not so much a drastic but a riskier one. I was presented with a choice on whether to stay on the safer side of things and live a life that is more or less predictable or to take the road less travelled-to a place unfamiliar, but presents opportunities that can possibly offer me the life I so desired. During the time I was contemplating on which choice to choose, it was like I was at a crossroads where in one path clearly showed what was at the end of it and the other was blurred. I was scared and yet excited to explore the unknown. But at one point, my fear was getting the better of me and an unfortunate event took place for me to realize what I had to do. It also inadvertently revealed to me what I think my purpose is in life.

And so here I am in a place unknown to me. I am immersing myself in a new lifestyle and a different environment. I am not scared, but what I fear is not being able to fulfill my realized destiny. So many things can be distracting and I'm trying to be mindful of what I have to do to fulfill my dream and my promise to Berta. It's like now, my dream and that promise had been intertwined. And that promise to Berta had been intended for her to see, but death is not an excuse for me to disregard it. I know that deep in my heart that she will witness it elsewhere. I guess also that it is a way of imparting my gratitude to her for the things she had shared and shown me. I only pray that I fulfill it.

2004-11-16T18:14:00.000-08:00

How do you say good bye to someone who didn’t intend a farewell?
I understand that we all have to leave sometime, but this sometime seems too soon
So many plans and so many experiences that the future holds
Her journey suddenly ended, while a chapter of my life was about to start
And that chapter included so many memories that were yet to be made

She’s home and that I know
She did not die, but only made a different transformation
Her spirit is free of the sufferings of this earth
Her faith, strength and perseverance opened my eyes to miracles
Her love-I feel and my love-she knows

I just miss her so much
She is a sister to an only child
And a friend to who had mostly known loneliness to be her companion
A person that helped me realize my purpose
And a promise I made her, I must fulfill for my gratitude

2004-11-09T06:54:00.000-08:00

I always hear about the death of other people's loved ones and we're saddened at their loss for a brief moment and then for us, life goes on. I always thought that grief was series of feelings that came in through stages - shock, denial, anger, sorrow and then finally, letting go. It was only when it finally happened to me that grief was something that I cannot even define by words. Try as I might to make sense of it and understand it, I couldn't. It was a series of feelings that cannot be labeled, but only felt. It is in a sense a different kind of intense confusion.

Last Sunday evening, I found out that my best friend Berta passed away. We weren’t life long friends, but we became very close during college. For some reason we just clicked and hung out almost 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. We never ran out of anything to talk about and we did a lot of things together. We were there for each other’s wonderful moments and heart aches about guys. We went out and enjoyed life with Kares, Rica and Mina. We talked and wondered about our future plans. Our few fights never even lasted a day. I remember that I would always pick her up for school, hung out in between classes, take her home, pick her up to go out then take her home again and then we’d call each other on the phone to talk some more. I would even take her to the barber shop and me – not having showered, to get her hair cut and I’d instruct the barber on how she wanted it done. She was in a sense an obsessive compulsive person. We lived and enjoyed our college days.

She was seldom home and always with me and I wondered why. It was one evening when she asked me to pick her up that she poured out her family problems. She was having fights with her sister and it became so intense that she asked to live with me. My house had always been open to people. You see my mother is to me – the best mother in the world. She welcomed Berta with open arms. And so she lived with us in our tiny townhouse, but during the day, Berta would go home to sleep in the afternoon. I guess in a sense she missed her home, but could only stay there when her sister was not around.

One day I found out from Kares that acid was thrown on Berta and that she was rushed to the hospital. I thought it was only a minor injury as I rushed to the emergency room of Makati Med. Acid was thrown on her face and she had swallowed some of it. She looked like she was only sunburned. As I was crying and holding her hand, she still manage to say something to make me laugh, I just don’t remember what it was. That was one of the things about Berta; she always tried to make people feel better in spite of a terrible situation.

I tried to comfort Berta – telling her that she would get better in a week as I thought in my mind. But things did not get better in a week, instead her condition got worse. I remember visiting her at around 4 in the morning a week after the incident happened seeing her face literally the color blue. Later on I started to find out that the type of acid that was thrown on her deformed her face reduced the size of her nostrils, mouth and contracted her throat and caused her to lose her sight. She constantly had to be pain killers and took sleeping pills to help her sleep. She had numerous operations for her face and to expand her mouth and throat. On certain instances she almost died. She was in so much pain that at one point she was already taking morphine.

All that time at the hospital she was constantly surrounded by her family, friends and strangers, and nurses who gave her comfort at the times when we we’re not there. So many people cared and preached God to her and that gave her strength to bear the tremendous physical, emotional and mental pain. I, for one am grateful for that. That time, her faith in God was beginning to solidify. I think God was helping her see more despite her physical blindness.

After a very long time in the hospital, she was finally discharged and able to go home. Her family had to go through a difficult adjustment and so began the numerous tantrums, leaving the house to live at Pastor Mark’s and to live with me. She then tried to commit suicide, but thank God it never succeeded. Despite that time of chaos, she was starting to develop a wonderful and affectionate relationship with her mother. She was finally getting that sense of closeness that she had long sought for. They would of course, fight from time to time, but always made up. She loved her very much.

Despite her disability, Berta never allowed herself to become helpless. She and her family worked hard to seek medical and financial help. Blessings poured all over – money and support came from family, friends and strangers. And a doctor from John Hopkins responded that he would treat her for free! Berta was featured in a newspaper and in the local TV show “Pipol”. Her story was exceptional, but her faith and strength was awesome. Miracles were happening left and right and I always believed that they would continue to because her faith was tremendous.

When was physically stronger, we would go out with friends, go shopping and we went on out of town trip. She taught me how to guide her, but whenever we would be at the mall and we would have to take the escalator, I always felt that I would have a heart attack- fearful of the timing that I would have to make to guide her on the right step of the ascending and descending staircase. Mind you, we would laugh about it. She also made jokes about her disability to make things light. She had a one of a kind sense of humor that makes me smile whenever I remember our times together.

The time came that she left for the states and although I would miss her, I was happy for her. We would talk on the phone and email each other. She got a job at the National Federation for the Blind in Baltimore and I think through one of the programs that she was involved in; she met Justin who later on became her husband. She would email pictures to friends and through the numerous plastic surgeries; her face was starting to take shape again. She was happy and she looked very healthy. She then developed an eventual American accent and it was cool. She continuously involved herself in programs and traveled. She and Justin got their own place and she planned to continue her studies. She always stayed in touch with family.

The last time we spoke was on my birthday. She never forgot to call during holidays and on my birthdays. We kept tabs on what was going on in each others lives generally. We weren’t that much in touch after that and it was my fault. I always intended on calling her but I had taken that for granted. Her birthday was on September 20 and I emailed her, telling her that I would call but I didn’t. I regret that very much.

Then last Sunday happened. I found out from Tita Geri that Berta had passed away. I rushed to our friend Candice’s house where we gathered to find out what had happened. She and Justin were already in bed and Berta got up to go to the bathroom and fell. She said she was okay and went back to bed. She then had a seizure and was rushed to the hospital. And she began a different journey. She went to heaven.

I’m still somewhat in denial. I would like to think that she’s just in the states and that I would visit her next year. I will miss her, but I know deep in my heart, that she was happy here and even happier in heaven. She, for me, is the living testimony that miracles do happen. I remembered one evening when she was living in our little townhouse, when we were having one – among the many conversations about life; she asked why we hadn’t been sisters. I told her that we are. I am an only child but she is my sister – a sister who taught me so much and helped me regain my faith. I would like to say so much more – use many different words to describe what an incredibly wonderful person she is, but I am at a loss. Language can be limiting sometimes.

I love her so much and perhaps in heaven someday we will see each other again.

2004-10-26T02:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my friend Jaja invited me to go to the beach for the weekend and I’m excited. The island is beautiful. The last time I went there was during holy week and that was the last time I got some “real” sun. I got a tan that lasted for a couple of months. It’s funny though, when I was in Hawaii, I baked under the sun for 6 days from morning until afternoon, but it didn’t even leave the slightest hint that I was at the beach. But when I was on their island for 4 days, I baked. I guess the sun is hotter here than Hawaii (there’s probably a scientific explanation for this). Anyway, I normally don’t burn easily, but once I do, it lasts for a while so it’s cool.

I’ve been cooped up in the office during weekdays, home on weekends and I sometimes go out with Cristina and Margie at night since that last trip. Cristina, Margie and I would always plan to go to the beach, but so far it was only the Tagaytay trip to Estancia that pushed through-and that’s the closest we got to a body of water-not even a beach. Oh, but it was wonderful! We just gotta work harder on the plans and actually do it next summer. I’ve been craving to go to the beach and I daydream about it. It’s always a good break from city life. It would be nice to wake up to silence if not the waves crashing and that fresh air would fill my lungs instead of waking up to the noise of the morning traffic and smelling the smog in Makati.

The beach would also be a good place to contemplate on my decision and spend some time with friends that I haven’t hung out with for the longest time. I just wish that Margie and Cristina could go. Anyway, my friends and I haven’t seen nor spoken with each other for the longest time considering that our offices are only a block apart. And to think that we used to hang out almost everyday. We never had a “falling out” thing or any minor disagreements. I guess things just change when we grow older. Interests and choices lead us on different paths. It’s nothing sad or disappointing. It just happens. But one thing remains important, no matter how different our lives may turn out to be, it’s good to still keep in touch and spend time with friends.

2004-10-25T03:00:00.000-07:00

I find myself at a crossroads in my life. In about less than 2 weeks, I would have to make a decision that could change my life drastically. It’s a choice between building a life here or a life elsewhere and I’m embarking on this journey alone. Perhaps this is the reason why I have remained unattached and maintained my distance from romantic relationships.

I never thought that I would find myself in a predicament like this, but then life has a way of presenting opportunities and challenges. It’s both exciting and frightening because there’s no U-turn that I can take once I have chosen to take a certain road. I’ve tried to think of as many fall backs as I can to at least support each choice and to bring me comfort if my decision doesn’t work out the way I intended.

I always try to weigh the Pros and Cons before I make any decisions and I have always tried to be practical. I used to be a risk taker but certain consequences made me learn that a person really has to look before he leaps in certain situations. So I’m quite careful now than I used to be. I try to live by the “Cause and Effect” rule.

Still, I find myself utterly confused with what decision to make because the Pros and Cons are somewhat equal. Both present the gravity of fears and regrets. So now, I am left with the reading of signs around me and listening to what my heart speaks. Sometimes my thoughts overpower its voice, but based on the majority of decisions I have made in the past, the heart is always right.

2004-10-21T21:30:00.000-07:00

I was 12 when I last saw my father. He had initially intended to work in Canada and came back because of home sickness. He left again, but this time, he never came back-not to our family at least. I carried a certain hope that he would return and we would again be the perfect family that we once were. That hope eventually faded and I finally accepted that he had another life while my mother and I had our own.

For years I have been broken, angry and sad. I deeply resented and blamed him for many of the wrong things that happened in my life. There was an emptiness that he left that I tried desperately to fill. I liked to be with friends and in crowded places most of the time to drown out the loneliness and sadness. I tried not to be envious of other friends’ relationships with their fathers, but I failed. Secretly, I longed to have that. My parents didn’t have to be together. All I wanted was to be close to my father.

We kept in touch though. Most of the time, we would only have awkward conversations over the phone and when I was younger, he did write to me a couple of times. I called him to ask him for money to pay for my tuition, thesis expenses and for short vacations. My father was a bit of a miser and he noted all his expenses. Years would pass before our next string of small talk. If there’s one thing though that remained the same, it was that he kept his bible close and still preached to me a few times.

For years I have tried to make sense of why he left, but I was never able to. And for years I had planned to get in touch and boast to him what I have made of myself. I was still angry, but I have always had a soft spot that made me cry at the very thought of him. I have always put that plan aside because I didn’t know where to start or how to go about an estranged relationship. It was always easier to preoccupy myself with other things. I think a lot of people go through this. It’s always difficult to start over or to mend things that have been broken.

I got in touch with my father last Monday evening. I cried when I heard him speak, but I tried my best not to let him hear the emotion from my voice. It had been a little over 4 years since we last spoke. But it wasn’t tears of sadness or longing. I was happy. I was eager to know what he was up to and to find out anything about his life. I wanted to have the connection that we lost over the years. All of a sudden, all the things he has done that hurt me didn’t matter anymore. They were all in the past and those were the things that weren’t worth remembering. What mattered was the wonderful memories we shared as father and daughter, his relationship with my mother and what we had as a family.

It’s very difficult to come to terms with a situation like this and it’s difficult to forgive, but I know that if I maintained the anger, sorrow and pain, I would’ve nurtured a burden that could last a lifetime. There’s a time for everything-for pain, anger, grieving, forgiveness and letting go. You have to let go of one emotion to experience another and you have to know when to put things in the past and when to live in the present. Time is something not to be taken for granted because it cannot be taken back.

I love my father and at times before, I imagined and thought of how I could show my love for him. And I realized now that one of the greatest acts of love is forgiveness. I ask for no apologies or tears from him. I only want us to be father and daughter.

2004-10-12T23:49:00.000-07:00

I have a total of 3 journals; a blog, a pc journal and a written journal. I thought about this previously, but it feels natural. Each serve their own purpose and they’ve got different levels too-depending on the gravity of what my thoughts contain.

My blog is a little peek inside my life and my thoughts. I exude a different image in person and I’m not the “what you see is what you get” type. I’m more of the “what you see doesn’t hold true at times” type. There’s more towards the person than first impressions and what meets the eye. Plus-most of my entries here are, more often than not, positive.

The pc journal is a little bit more forthright. This journal contains my thoughts and opinions on controversial topics such as infidelity, drugs, insecurity, mid-life crisis and so on…But I dare not post the entries on my blog because first-I must admit that I am uncomfortable with negative criticism; second-I don’t want to offend anyone; and third-people don’t like topics that are negative.

Lastly, I have a written journal which contains part of the real me. I guess the purpose for this written journal is it’s very personal connection-the hand writing, the scent and its attachments such as photos, tickets, letters and other things special to me. Knowing its entries is probably the closest anyone can really get to know me. I guess people who have this type of journal want to immortalize certain moments in their lives and themselves in other people who get to read it.

All three journals are liberating. It is in the sense that one allows you to be comforted knowing that some people get to read what you would like to impart without having to literally voice them out to be heard, another allows you to write your own history as you alone see it. And yet another allows you to be you.

2004-10-05T23:48:00.000-07:00

My mother is a Roman Catholic. My father is a Protestant. My family name is Jewish and I’ve got Muslim cousins. I’ve got Filipino and Spanish blood running through my veins but to a lot of people I look Chinese. Alrighty then, I’m a mongrel. My family background is-should I say eclectic?

I thought about this the other day and felt grateful that I was born at a time when people are more open-minded and more accepting of differences and diversities. What mattered was how you distinguished your own identity rather than what your background says you are. I’m also grateful that I was not born and lived in a closed-minded strict country that saw things in black and white.

2004-09-27T02:53:00.000-07:00

I’ve wanted to write about the subject of negativity for so long, but haven’t gathered up the guts to do so. Guess I was scared of negative feedback. But now, I'm like-screw that! I want to write about it. I mean it’s not 24/7 that we all feel sunny and on top of the world. Bad things happen and we go through shit and more often than not, people don’t want to hear about these things. It’s like when we express some form of sadness or negativity, it ruins the image that people have projected in their minds about us. But come on, as it’s been said over and over “We’re only human.”

I can understand why people do not want to subject themselves to any form of negativity. It ultimately brings us down and we don’t want to feel that. We always want to feel good. Things have to be fine if not okay. I admittedly shun the negative because it leads to undesirable thoughts of the things that are not going well in my life and the sad events of my past. Our natural instinct is to steer clear of the negative and so whoever is in a bad situation and when they speak of their situation, we avoid unintentionally. Why would we want to go where it’s raining, when we can go to a sunny place right?

In my opinion, the mistake there is that, instead of avoidance, we have to acknowledge that there is the negative. Shit happens to people and we should allow them to feel whatever they want in their situation. If they want to express anger, then let them shout. If they want to express sorrow, then let them cry. If they have done something crazy, then let them rant. Instead of criticizing, acknowledge that they’re going through this, listen and perhaps empathize. We don’t have to see them through and ultimately exhaust and give ourselves entirely to help if we’re not ready to, but to just let them express what they feel.

2004-09-24T02:21:00.000-07:00

At times I have a hard time trying to determine whether I’m dreaming or not when I’m asleep. Sometimes dreams feel so real that when I wake up I try to figure which events really happened and which events were really just dreams. And I ask, are dreams just dreams? Are dreams just the products of our unconscious minds?

This leads me to wonder and imagine like what if when were dreaming, we’re actually entering or that we are in a different dimension. It’s like whenever we dream here, what we dream is actually happening there. Dreaming here is reality there and vice versa. I don’t know, but it’s fun to entertain this thought.

There’s this movie (by which title I do not remember) which actually demonstrates what I’m talking about. I haven’t seen the entire film but as far as the story goes, Demi Moore is this woman leading two lives. One life is where she lives in New York as a career woman and the other is where she lives in France with two kids. Whenever she’s asleep in one, she’s living the other and she couldn’t tell which one is her real life. Anyway, I’ve got to look for this film and watch it from start to end.

I know that there are numerous explanations and analyses about dreams, the unconscious, different dimensions and so on and so forth. Having a very inquisitive mind, I’ll probably read about these. It’s just that for now, it’s fun to allow the imagination to wander about and make up all sorts of stories about this certain subject.

Sometimes I imagine that in a different dimension: the sky is yellow, the fish swim in air, the ocean is above and the sky is below, and when we walk, we’re walking on air. These are the sort of images that weed, acid, or whatever poison produces. But mind you, I’ve only got a wild imagination. Hehehe! Anyway, it’s all in the spirit of being a child and having fun with our thoughts…

2004-09-23T03:09:00.000-07:00

Life always has a way of shedding light when you feel that you’ve been under a dark cloud for far too long. I guess sometimes it tells us that you’ve been focusing too much on the negative side of things rather than the positive. It gives a slight nudge saying “Hey, go easy on yourself. Stop focusing on that aspect. You’re not seeing the bigger picture.”
I always took pride in my capability to look on the brighter side of life no matter how shitty the situation is. I find something to laugh about and maybe this is also why I enjoy sarcasm and dark humor. I sometimes think “Things couldn’t get any worse than this” and then they do. It’s like after you’ve been hit by a boulder, an avalanche occurs. So I just shrug, let out a sigh and say “Oh well. At least I’m still alive. I can dig myself out of this somehow.”
Last Sunday, however, I was consumed by the dark cloud that was looming over me. My strength to fight was failing me. I took the most unlikely decision-I gave up. I turned numb and got up like a zombie to go to work on Monday. Work had been slow for the last two months and I expected that day not to be any different from the others. I have ventured into the everydayness of things once again and it was depressing.
Things started to turn around all of a sudden. I was able to close a small deal and then one after the other, my bigger deals fell into place. All my work had eventually paid off. No matter how small or simple these events were, they helped me put things into perspective again. It provided me with a glimpse of one of the other aspects that were part of the bigger picture. And I think of myself “There’s so much more that I have yet to explore.” I'm beginning to be excited. Life is becoming sweet again.

2004-09-12T23:35:00.000-07:00

Being inlove & Being inlove with the idea of Love

There is a thin line between actually being inlove and being inlove with the idea of it. I’ve tried talking about this with other people and they just gave me the look that said: “What the hell are you talking about?” or that they told me so. Having a sometimes over-analytical mind, this idea occurred to me from a practical sense and I was tired of being the “hopeless romantic”. I was a teenager at the time.

Anyway, I was trying to get over an ex when this idea popped in my head. I asked myself about what I loved about this person and I couldn’t even answer my own question. “How do I love thee?-Let me count the ways…” and there was none. The feeling was there and the pain was intense, but were they directed to an actual human being or towards what was shared and what could’ve been? I kept focusing on the feeling and the “sweet moments” shared and what could happen in the future if we had continued being together or if we reconciled. I realized then that I wasn’t inlove with him. I was inlove with the idea.

These two things are very different and yet they are very tricky. It’s difficult to distinguish one from the other. It’s only when you look closely that you will find how different they are. Emotions often cloud the mind, and sometimes impairs the better judgment of people. Loneliness leaves people susceptible and the lure of the idea of love leads people to jump into relationships (I was guilty of this) only to find that it’s not what it’s hyped up to be. It’s just part of the human condition, but this is not always a justifiable reason because in one way or another, someone gets hurt.

We all know the definition of love and they are relative to each and every one of us. But I guess it’s when you’ve really understood it's meaning that you can truly differentiate love from being inlove with the idea of love. This understanding helps to get over and let people go. And it helps to become less impulsive and more diligent in making decisions on whether to get into a relationship or not and the actions we take. I also find that it helps people to become selfless rather than selfish because you're already considering other people's feelings instead of just your own.

2004-09-09T20:17:00.000-07:00

Everyone has a favorite day. When I was a kid, I used to enjoy Saturdays because I get to play with my friends and stay up late because it wasn’t a school night. Then I started to enjoy Fridays when I became a teenager, throughout College and when I started working. It was the end of the week and the start of the weekend which meant-going out, partying and relaxing with friends.
For some reason, quite recently, I started enjoying Tuesdays. Nothing exciting or I don’t have a particular activity planned on that day, rather, it’s like any other normal weekday. This meant that I would go to work, go home, have dinner and watch television. I would enjoy my favorite tv shows while snug in bed or while having a big snack-apart from dinner.
There is nothing exciting or profound about the activities that I do on Tuesdays, but I always feel good on that day. It’s like that day always reminds me of the simple pleasures of life that we sometimes take for granted because of everything that is going on around us. Our minds are often preoccupied with worries and problems that we sometimes neglect the fact that we also have good things going for us. Whatever those things may be, they’re always there. It’s only a matter of recognizing and acknowledging them no matter how ordinary or simple they may seem. They’re good so enjoy them.
I enjoy the fact that I do have a job, I can enjoy the simple pleasure of watching tv in a comfortable and safe home, I’ve got good friends to message and speak with, I get to enjoy delicious food, and I’ve got a mind that allows me to recognize and appreciate all these things. I’m always left grateful before I fall asleep on the night of Tuesdays. My mind is clear and quiet on that day. Life is good.

2004-08-31T01:43:00.000-07:00

For two days I hibernated and shut myself out. I barely ate, slept most of the time and dreamed. I couldn’t even bring myself to speak with my friends. I was depressed. But as always, I still had a companion-my beloved television. It provided the distraction and awareness of what was happening outside my world. Growing up as an only child with busy and hard working parents then-it was my nanny, friend and companion. It provided some form of comfort and sometimes a constant noise to take me away from the screaming thoughts in my head whenever it was silent. Thank God for Baird and Farnsworth for inventing this wonderful machine.

Anyway, the reason for my hibernation was not about nurturing my relationship with my television-we’ve got a strong enough bond already, but to face and deal with myself.

Like everyone else I have been hurt and broken numerous times-some of these I have dealt with and some, I avoided. There were other things in life that were better and mattered more and I thought it would be practical to just leave them be and move along. I thought that by doing so, I am living in the present. But what I found was that I was escaping issues that sprouted from the past, but will remain there-they may be dormant, but they are still there. It is inevitable that they will find means and ways to come out because they are a part of me that needed to be addressed and changed. How can I actually live in the present and look forward to better things if I haven’t dealt and made peace with my past? What I mean by past are my issues and the people I cared about and unintentionally hurt.

And so it happened. I unexpectedly had an encounter with my past. The issues were not dormant anymore. I encountered someone whom I dearly cared about and regarded as one of the best and most important people in my life, and whom I hurt tremendously. He was brave enough to show me his anger and pain. He told me both hurtful and loving words that pierced right through me. I could do nothing-I was at a loss with words. I wished that I could say what he needed to hear and give what he wanted, but I could not. And he’s not the only one I hurt. I won’t name names, but they know very well who they are. I was always good with words and advice, but I found that in certain situations like these I have always remained silent. It’s like I freeze up and all I want to do is escape and hide. I avoid them as much as I possibly can-I don’t want to admit this but, it was cowardice. Because I desperately try to escape my confusion, fear and pain, I end up jumping into situations-hoping that I can be saved and taken far away. And if the situations didn’t work to my liking, I would jump into another. But you can never escape yourself no matter what-it was at the expense of other people that helped me understand that simple fact.

I am a very private person and trying to explain and speak about this is already a very big and frightening leap for me. You have given me so much, helped me realize and see myself, given me the appreciation that other people have not and I have given so little in return and if any, I have given pain. Words can be powerful, but sometimes they aren’t enough to express everything. With this very long entry, what I truly want to say is something very simple. I am deeply sorry.

2004-08-26T02:54:00.000-07:00

Ever get one of those days where you think or say "Just shoot me and get it over with."?
This is the first thought that pops in my head when I'm having a bad day, something shitty happened or when I'm really stressed out and overwhelmed with work.
If I write my thoughts and include certain episodes in my life and turn it into a movie it would be a dark comedy. Right now, I just don't know where to start and I'm tired. My brain's fried from work.

2004-08-19T00:14:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to write an entry since I saw the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind with Cristina. I've had so many thoughts and somehow they've gone elsewhere. I'll eventually find them later on, but for now I would just like to share some lines from the movie.

Quotes from the movie:

Clementine: Joel, I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.

Joel: I remember that speech really well.

Clementine: I had you pegged, didn't I?

Joel: You had the whole human race pegged.

Clementine: Probably.

Joel: I still thought you were going to save me. Even after that.

________

Clementine: I wish you'd stayed.
Joel: I wish I'd stayed, too. NOW I wish I'd stayed. I wish I'd done a lot of things. I wish I'd... I wish I'd stayed... I do.

________

Clementine: This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon.

Joel: I know.

Clementine: What do we do?

Joel: Enjoy it.

Clementine reminds me so much of myself.

2004-08-18T00:36:00.000-07:00

I just saw M. Night Shyamalan's The Village and I must say that this is one his best works. I must admit that I was a bit skeptical about the film because I’ve heard bad reviews from people. I guess they were expecting it to be more like Signs or The Sixth Sense. Still, I was curious-I had to see it for myself. And so last night, Margie and I went to Rockwell to watch it.

For those who have not seen it, do not read this entry.

I find it thought provoking in the sense that it communicated or at least tried to make sense of the human condition and all its complexities. Suffering, love, loss, innocence, good, evil, greed, generosity, sacrifice, selfishness, selflessness and many other traits are all part of it. Great pain sometimes drives people to take extreme measures to prevent its causes and preserve innocence. But in one way or the other, no matter how hard people try to isolate the causes of pain and suffering, they still resurface. For many reasons, they co-exist. The many conditions are opposites and they define each other. They are part of life and that is what makes us human.
We have to accept these as parts of reality but also realize that we all are given the gift of free will. We have the gift of choice or power to choose how we want and how we can live our lives. Many times I have been inflicted with pain, but who hasn’t? We all experience the different things that life throws us and not all of these are agreeable and some of them are excruciating, but we have to make do-we have to learn how to deal.

Ivy as one of the lead characters of the film reminded me so much of one of my best friends-Berta. Ivy was blind but was found to possess the greatest strength among all the other characters. Driven by love and faith, she believed that she could overcome the obstacles and the fear by which the people in the village lived by that prevented them from leaving.
Many of us suffer from fear of various sorts-fear of losing our loved ones, fear of actually pursuing our dreams, fear of illness, fear of change, fear of embarking on a journey into the unknown and so on and so forth. But what amazes me is that people who are physically impaired are much stronger than people who are most able. Berta is one of the living testimonies that I have witnessed that proves this. She is more accomplished than most people I know. She has undergone a tremendous amount of suffering-emotionally, physically and mentally. But because of her strong will and faith, she was able to overcome all these. (I would have to write a book to be able to tell you the whole story. And to those of you who know her and what she went through, you will agree with me.) She is blind, but she sees life in a better light than most people having sight.

2004-08-11T22:28:00.000-07:00

I am experiencing a certain serenity that I haven’t had for many weeks. Too many things have been running through my mind and it felt like the world was spinning. It’s like 10 conversations have been going on continuously all at once and it refuses to stop even in my sleep. Questions such as: What do I really want to do with my life? What career do I really want? Should I leave the country and live a life elsewhere? What am I doing to myself? Why do I loathe myself? Why am I having such a difficult time dealing with my past-issues that have become the demons that torture my existence?
Questions will never cease but there will always be answers that will come in due time. Actually, come to think of it, the answers have been there all along but we sometimes fail to recognize them until we’re ready to. Maybe we’re standing too close or too far from them, or we may be focusing on other things but not necessarily the wrong ones. It’s like life finds means and ways for us to go through so much before we finally see and understand the answers that we’ve been looking for.
I have been beating myself up for the mistakes I have made-dwelling and either trying to avoid all the issues or finding easy ways out. Fear and impatience is a terrible combination I tell you, and because I nurtured them, they have impaired my better judgment on the situations that I have been presented with. The numerous mistakes fused themselves and turned into a bomb that exploded and shattered me. When the smoke cleared and when things started to calm down, I started picking up the pieces which contained the questions and when I looked around me, there they were-the answers that I have been looking for all these years. They came like a soft soothing breeze that was simple, unassuming, understanding and comforting. Along with that soft breeze were very simple words that said “You’re going to be okay.”

2004-08-09T02:42:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder why I get into shitty situations. I always thought of myself as a levelheaded and logical person. I assess, list the possible consequences of certain actions and then make a decision. I pride myself in giving good advice to people and yet somehow, I fail to actually follow them. I guess sometimes the hardest person to see is yourself and situations are harder to handle if you are actually in them.
You make mistakes and you learn-this should be the case. And if you haven’t, then the same situations will present themselves over and over until you learn what you’re supposed to in order to grow. Somehow these situations contain the demons of the past. I sometimes want to run my head into the wall because of my stubbornness. I make the same mistakes over and over. Aware of the bad consequences of certain actions that I take, I still take them, somehow hoping that the outcome would be different. Sometimes they are, but more often than not, they aren’t. I yet have to overcome my vulnerabilities. It’s high time to stop blaming the damages of the past-acknowledge them and just learn how to deal.
It’s funny how life throws you so much. It’s like after you’ve overcome one vulnerability-it throws you two more situations and then three and then so on and so forth. I’d like to think that life’s intent is to throw these situations to you to make you better. No matter how bad they may be, you’ve got to face it. It’s like a challenge for you to reach your highest potential as the best human being that you can ever be in your lifetime.

2004-08-03T22:20:00.000-07:00

I always thought of myself as a person living in the present. I took risks and I was always out to learn and explore more about life. I always kept in mind that things shouldn't be taken for granted because time was not always on your side and chances don't always come in seconds or thirds. Even if some experiences hurt, they shouldn't prevent you from taking more. Like a child playing in a playground, no matter how many times I stumbled and fell, I always got up to try every swing, every slide, every monkey bar, and every course that the playground offered. No matter how high the slide was, I had to climb it-curious of what the rush would be when I slide down. I would scrape my knee and bruise my elbow in the process, but I would ignore the pain and continue to play. It was as if the afternoon was my entire life and there was no time to lose.
Things were much simpler as a child playing in a playground compared to the world of an adult. And sometimes I wonder if I was still that person living in the present. Yes, I still did crazy things here and there, but am I doing the things that matter?

2004-08-02T20:31:00.000-07:00

There’s a certain sense of calmness that staring up at the stars brings at night. Time seems to stop when I feel the black sky envelope me as I lay on a field or on the sand of a beach. The cool wind blows away the worries that make me anxious, and the problems that cause stress. And the rustling of the leaves or the waves crashing provide me with soft music to calm the soul. Everything feels good and right. I find that the space we are living in is far greater than what our mind allows us to see when we are consumed by the everydayness in the city.
I long to feel that sense of serenity again. I remember the different times in my life when I experienced that on the different beaches and fields I lay on. I would be in the company of friends and family, but what I enjoyed the most was laying quietly as they either chatted on or slept. It’s as if I had a private conversation with the stars and the sky. I would see many falling stars and wish on every one of them. I don’t remember the wishes that I’ve made but only the wonderful experience of making them. It always made me feel like a child believing that dreams can come true.
I tried staring at the sky from the terrace of my condo unit. But all I saw was the smog and buildings in the city and felt its enclosure. Though everything is convenient to make me feel comfortable with my lifestyle, the city cannot replace the experience of being in the beach or field, gazing at the stars at night. Such experiences that only nature can provide.

2004-07-26T00:23:00.000-07:00

On my way home last Saturday, he played the song: Anna Begins in his car. I’ve always liked listening to this. I remember for about a month how many years back, August and Everything After was the only album playing in my car. For some reason, Counting Crows made me feel mellow. It relieved me of the stress from driving in this country-It helped me cuss less at the idiotic motorists that I would come across. I didn’t pay much attention to the lyrics of their songs, but since they sounded good, I sang them anyway.
But for some reason that Saturday afternoon, that song struck a nerve. The lyrics hit me in a way that never did before. It made me realize that I was in a situation that I was not ready to handle. I thought I could because this was not the first time I’ve ever been in one. I have developed a defense mechanism that prevented me from getting emotionally involved. I’ve always been a carefree person and it was always about having fun-no strings attached. Whenever I felt that things were getting intense, I would retreat and move on to other adventures. Things were easier that way. I’ve worried far too much and been disappointed over and over. So I’m sick of it and I’ve pretty much had enough. Never put your feelings on the line. It’s like gambling where the stakes are high-it’s either you’re a big winner or a sore loser and it’s hard to earn back whatever you’ve lost. And I’m not ready to take that risk-well at least, not yet.
I know that life involves a lot of risks and if you want to live and grow as a person, you’ve got to take them. I don’t know when I’ll be ready. I’m still trying to build a relationship with myself and this situation isn’t helping. Oh, and it’s scaring the shit out of me! I have to get myself out of this before it gets any deeper. But I’m sure that eventually, I’ll be brave enough to take them again-knowing very well that I’ll be strong enough to handle whatever pain those risks might entail. I find that it is essential that there are times that we should take risks and there are times that we should avoid them. It’s all about knowing yourself and allowing yourself to grow at your own pace.

http://www.songlyrics4u.com/counting-crows/anna-begins.html

2004-07-22T23:22:00.000-07:00

Good dreams are supposed to leave you feeling good when you wake up. But I find that not all dreams leave you feeling that way. Because when we wake up, we realize that it’s not real. So instead of a good morning, it feels like we woke up on the wrong side of the bed. The thoughts that are buried deep in the recesses of our subconscious, more often than not, come out whenever we dream. We try so hard to keep them out of our minds through distractions but when we dream, these thoughts somehow escape the cages where we lock them in. Dreams provide us with a reflection of the truth about ourselves, our conscience, what we desire and long for.
Sometimes we use sleep to escape ourselves, our state and to pass the time when we are going through something difficult and when we are depressed with our lives. But it’s actually dreaming that forces us to face our own realities-at least it tries to. These dreams are either the opposite of what we are going through, which make them good, or they are nightmares. I only find the good dreams, which are the opposite of what our reality is, far worse than a nightmare. These good dreams do not inflict terror, but rather, they inflict pain and sometimes unbearable sadness. In our dreams, we get what we want, but when we're awake, we don't. So how can we escape when our dreams won’t even allow us to?
A dreamless sleep can only be possible through sedatives-well, at least in my case. The seemingly countless days and nights pass by steadily. It feels like being on a raft riding the soft waves of an ocean, drifting towards nowhere. The ocean feels like an infinite body of water. It’s a nice ride but it can’t last forever.
I guess no matter what we do, we cannot escape the reality where we find ourselves in-no matter how hard we try to deny it. Our life is what it is and we are who we are. We can always find numerous distractions and make countless excuses but where does that really take us? We have really no other choice but to acknowledge and deal with it. Once we do, then our good dreams can in fact be true and leave us smiling when we wake up.

2004-07-20T02:40:00.000-07:00

Don’t you sometimes wish that you’ve never met certain people in your life? Or worse-you wish that you or they were never even born. Some people just seem to spell trouble or pain. Most situations that involves them makes you think-I don’t need this shit! And you wonder if their sole purpose in life is to annoy or piss you off. You think that you were better off without them.
But are we really better off without them? I don’t think that’s always the case. These people-no matter if they seem like bitches and assholes are actually there to help shape the people that we ought to be. It’s always a choice on whether we decide to turn bitter, bitchy, mean or whatever repulsive being you could ever think of. But ultimately, if you look at it in a different perspective, they’re there to make us better people. It’s like they’re there to intimidate and challenge us to become the greatest individuals we can ever be.

(I’m not yet done. I have to go for now. I’ll continue this later on.)

2004-07-18T21:38:00.000-07:00

One of the hardest things that we have to deal with is our own demons. Our demons are born every time we do not know or refuse to deal with something terrible that happens in our lives. Often times we choose to ignore them-pretending that they do not exist because their arguments are too heavy and difficult to deal with. We pretend that everything is alright and drown them in alcohol, drugs or whatever poison you choose. But in one way or the other they manifest themselves in different ways that other people can see except you. And you wonder why people react the way they do towards you, do the things you do and that you can’t seem to get what you want and truly deserve. Sometimes the most difficult person to see is yourself. Blinded by denial, self-pity, anger and fear, we can’t accept our own faults because it hurts too much to face them and that we have no clue on how to deal. We think it’s easier to turn our backs, unaware that we are sinking deeper into the black hole that we created for ourselves. And we slowly but so surely hate ourselves-letting self-loathing consume us. The light within us that once provided warmth and comfort is starting to fade. We become lost. So we start on the path towards self-destruction. We figure that if we didn’t care-things would be easier. If we numb ourselves enough-nothing can ever hurt us, thus becoming untouchable-or so we thought. We unintentionally or intentionally isolate ourselves and we then experience unbearable loneliness.
Concerned friends and family may tell you things that you refuse to hear because people, more often than not, do not like to be criticized. We can be very stubborn sometimes and we would rather be on the right than on the wrong. Also, no one else knows ourselves better than we do so why should we listen? Listen, because sometimes they actually know better. As much as I hate to admit it, they can actually see things better because they are not as emotionally involved the way we are. It doesn't necessarily mean though, that they are always right. Only we can truly know what is right for ourselves. We can always listen, weigh their reasoning and choose to either heed their advice or not. Emotions can cloud judgment and it’s the alarm that triggers our defense mechanism. And once they’re up, they become a barrier that no one can ever break down. The voice of our demons drown the advice of our friends.
No one can ever help us except ourselves. It’s a struggle to rid the demons we ourselves created. It’s a choice on whether we choose to remain in pain and denial or to acknowledge our faults and decide to change. It’s not an easy process and we always run the risk of falling back into our old ways. Still, no matter how many times we stumble and fall, we must hold on to the belief that we can be better, we deserve a better life and that we can in fact, be happy. If we believe something strongly enough, it can come true.

2004-07-15T20:45:00.000-07:00

I woke up in cold sweat Thursday morning with my heart palpitating. My mind was racing and I thought I was going to pass out. I lay in bed willing it to go away. I told myself to relax-wanting desperately for it to go away. Could I die? Will I die?-were the thoughts that kept running through my head. I told myself no.
After 3 hours being in that state, I was exhausted and I fell asleep. I woke up in the afternoon calm and relaxed. I asked myself-what the hell happened? Did I have a panic attack or something? Was that brought about by stress? What? My body always tends to act up under stress-complications here and there. I've been in and out of hospitals. The Doctors couldn't always figure it out. I've always been a sickly person-weak and unfortunately, easily afflicted. Sometimes I think that it's a miracle that I've survived so many illnesses. I guess my will to live is stronger than I think.
I was not able to go to work so I stayed in bed all day and watched television. I kept my mind blank and let myself be absorbed by the movies and different programs being aired. I was tired of trying to make sense of what happened.
The afternoon passed and evening came. I was becoming restless and decided to run through the latest magazine that my mother got me. I came across certain articles that gave a common idea-never give up your dreams no matter what. I put the magazine aside and watched a program on television. The episode on the program gave the same thing.
This was something that I could no longer ignore.
Do you know when life gives you a million signs and that more often than not, you choose not to see them? Eventually the signs grow bigger and bigger, louder and louder, and they finally hit you. Well, in my case, it was this episode that I experienced this morning. My heart was pounding the threat of death and when I grew calm, it was the television and the magazine that gave me a nudge and told me-hey! Stop wasting time and figure out what you really want to do with your life and live your dream! Death is always lurking and there can never be certainty. One of the worst things that people do is to have their dreams unlived.

2004-07-12T02:21:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've been attracted to someone. Met him under the oddest and not the best of circumstances and found myself engaged in a very interesting conversation. I started the conversation with a weird question that people would normally not know how to react to or would rather ignore. I spoke my mind and he entertained it and through the course of it, I formed the impression that he was a very open-minded individual that is unique in the sense that he's very liberated and had the funniest of opinions to share. I find that few people are, even if they try to act as if they were-sort of pretending to be unpretentious and carefree. So in this sense I always have my guards up whenever I converse with people. Anyway, he surprised me and I found myself thinking of him for the past few days-wondering when I can share the deepest, most absurd and casual conversations with him again. I’m looking forward to it, but I hate thinking about it. As much as I do not want to admit it, I like him more than just a simple crush. I loathe this feeling. The situation that I am in right now is precisely what I have been trying to avoid for the longest time. And I am desperately trying to make it go away. These are the beginnings of heart ache. I know that relationships don’t necessarily always lead to pain, but I would rather not take the risk. I’ve taken far too many risks and more often than not, when I allow myself to fall, I wind up broken. It takes such a long time to piece myself up together again and regain strength and I’m just so tired of that. And I’m trying to figure out means and ways to prevent myself from getting any deeper. Distractions are always good to keep myself preoccupied and his absence helps. I dread and yet I long to see him. Shit! I hate it! He's not even cute!

2004-07-09T00:59:00.000-07:00

Do you ever experience those days where you ask "Can someone just shoot me and get it over with?" Time is moving fast but at times it feels like it's so slow. The days drag on and you wonder when is all this going to end? Sometimes I long for death and yet I've escaped it a couple of times. The only probable reason why my life has been spared is that I still have to do something before I die. But what is that something!? Could it be that I'm meant to become an influential figure that will change the world?-yeah right. I know that certain actions-no matter how simple they may seem can actually be life changing so I try not to discount them no matter how small they look to me.
I've drafted a list of things to do before I die and so far I've only accomplished one. The list isn't really long but the items on the list can take forever to finish. Still, I'm not giving up. It's not because I find them too difficult but I let myself be lazy. Sometimes I feel like the princess of procrastination. I keep putting off the things I have to do until the next day. So many days have passed and it's about time that I get my ass of this chair and do something about that list. And then perhaps once I get the items on that list done, life will let me rest.

2004-07-08T20:33:00.000-07:00

There is a black hole inside sucking the life out of me. Troubled and isolated-longing to escape myself. My skin feels tight and constricting. I try to find comfort in the company of friends, books and television. Sleep is always good but sometimes the demons find their way into dreams. Distractions help pass the time. Some are worthwhile and some waste moments. No matter what I do, I cannot leave me. My body contains this soul-a soul restless and in pain. The soul cries while the body smiles. More often than not, the body is ashamed of what the soul feels and has mastered the art of facades.
I try my best to be strong. Deal with shit, fall down and stand up again. Struggling with a mind that thinks too much. Continuously trying to make sense of things and always trying to look on the brighter side even when life is saying that it's the end of the world. My friend once told me that "life is how you see it"-I agree. What you project to the world is what life will reflect back to you. So I try to remain possitive. And I'm tired. I'm tired of the weight. I've always remained independent but now I have to admit that I need someone to help me.

2004-07-01T03:04:00.000-07:00

It’s been a while since I’ve written an entry. Been busy with work lately and turned into a machine. The pressure at work is increasing and the challenge-oh yes, it is challenging. I asked for it and well-I got it.
My personal life has been quiet lately. Guess I got tired of the drama so I don’t get myself into crazy situations anymore. Or perhaps, I’m just getting older. I know what’s possible and what’s not. I now know what I want and what I can’t have. I’m more realistic and somewhat jaded. There still is a glimmer of hope that resides inside but it’ll take a lot before it surfaces again.

2004-06-10T02:51:00.000-07:00

I've always tried to make sense of the things I've done.
I've done a number of spiteful things. Vengeance was mine-I thought. Perhaps doing what I did out of the pain and anger that I was feeling for those who have hurt me. I thought I was going to get some form of satisfaction-something that would help my anger cease and make my suffering go away. I only found that the pain is greater when you hurt someone instead of getting hurt.
So I embarked on this journey towards forgiveness and letting go. Accepting my mistakes instead of trying to justify them. And learning to forgive myself and know that I do not deserve the situations I put myself in and that I deserve the best. After a long time walking under a gloomy cloud, the rays of the sun were starting to penetrate to shed a bit of light on my dark depressed being.
But it's not that easy. Light has been shed but faith will still be tested. I sometimes think that I'm a bad person trying to be good. Situations are presented to question if I can actually be a better person. And they're there constantly threatening to push me back into self-loathing and seeing everything in gray again.
I'm desperately trying to change and put my life in order. I only hope that I maintain the strength that I have found. I want a better life-I want a good life. It's simple to write and say but it's a struggle to obtain.

2004-06-04T02:34:00.000-07:00

Took a very short vacation after I resigned from my job. Celebrated my birthday and turned 24. Stayed in bed the entire day after drinking with friends at a small party I threw at a friend's bar the night before June 1st. Wondering what was in store-as with my last entry. Made decisions and I'm trying to stand by them. A bad girl trying to be good is how I see it to be.
I was contemplating on postponing my starting date with my new job but decided not to. And so I went to work the day after my birthday. For the past few days, I've been nothing but busy busy busy with learning what I had to do and I've been overloaded with information. Too much information that left my heading spinning.
Although, I'm not complaining. This is what I wanted-to be busy and keep myself-more like my mind preoccupied. I wanted to change my work life and partly my lifestyle. It's time to move on to better and more fulfilling things. I'm finally moving. I've finally left the sinking boat.

2004-05-26T01:06:00.000-07:00

My birthday is coming up and I’m about to turn 24 years old. What lies on the other side when I cross my birthday? I’m nearing the quarter of my life, although I don’t think I’ll reach the age of a hundred. I’ll probably reach the age of 50 then die. Have you ever had a gut feeling that you wont grow old? I have. I don’t know if it’s because of a sickness like cancer or something because of the way I’ve treated my body (I’m trying to take care of it now by the way-trying to keep a balanced diet everyday with all the food groups and stuff and trying to get myself to exercise). I don’t know if it’ll be an accident-getting run over by a car or I’d die a hero because I’ve saved someone’s life. Who knows?
I’m 24 and I’m thinking about death or rather, abotu dying young. Death is such a dark subject to some people. Morbid and very negative. But then there are philosophers that think it’s not. It’s the end. So what do you do? Live like you’ve never lived before. People have trouble understanding that previous sentence. I mean, how do you really live? SHould you take this in a literal sense? Well, I'm not being literal. How you live really depends on your own beliefs, what you’ve been taught and the choices that you make in your life. I don’t think there’s anyone who can really tell you how to live and anyone who can judge and criticize how you’ve lived. All the things you've learned are there to guide and not to dictate. Your life is your own-not theirs. It’s only sad that some people or perhaps a lot who aren’t aware of this fact.
I’m only glad that I’ve been blessed with a mind that is open to understanding, though limited, it still tries it’s best. And I’m also glad that I’ve been exposed to people, books, and experiences. Experiences that in certain instances were troubling, sad, peaceful, wonderful, sweet and mad (insane). Altogether, they are enlightening and very entertaining. I mean it’s not common to experience a death threat at the age of 16 from your own stepfather now is it? It’s also not common to discover that your physically blind best friend can see more about life than those who have their perfect eyesight now is it? And the list goes on…So many and yet there’s more to come. I feel like so much has happened already. But even if so much has happened, I can never say "been there, done that" the same way that I can't say that I know everything that there is to know about life. I've learned so much and there's more!
So what’s in store in the age of 24? Hmmm…we shall see…

2004-05-24T00:49:00.000-07:00

I’ve always dreamed of having a life elsewhere. A foreign country far away where I could write my short stories and novels. Perhaps I’d live on a beach or in some vineyard in France, although I’ve never been there. I’ve been so taken by the places that I see on travel shows, movies, pictures and sceneries described by the books that I’ve read. Often times I want to escape my life here and constantly, I try to escape myself. Why can’t I be satisfied as to where I am in my life for long? Maybe it’s just part of human nature to keep wanting and thirsting for more. What is it that can truly satisfy us? Of course the answers to this question varies depending on what the individual truly desires.
I look at certain people and they seem content. Perhaps contentment is a state of mind that I just have to master. Be content with your own situation by recognizing the misfortunes of other people. Seeing what I have as opposed to what I don’t. That may be calming for a short period of time and wanting will then again persist until such time that it will become hard to resist.

There’s this voice inside of me claiming that I am destined for more. Even with the loudest of noise surrounding me and filling my ears, it would shout and see to it that I hear, making it difficult for me to ignore.. It tells me over and over that this is not it, there’s more. Most of the time I listen and then I dream and that’s when I start dreaming again of a life elsewhere. Feeling stuck, I drown those dreams in alcohol to escape the constant pounding of restlessness. I wake up the following day with a hangover and then the voice starts to nag once more.
Will I do something to stop its nagging? Yes. I have to and I fear that if I don’t, I might later on start blaming the people around me for the great things that I should’ve become and bitterness will consume me. Or I’ll just altogether blame myself and sulk at the opportunities lost.
Time can never be put on hold and procrastination wastes it. No matter how much I try to fight this voice within, it will never shut up. There is no one else to shut this voice but me. I’ve been at the crossroads for far too long. It’s time to start walking and instead of this voice nagging at me, it will perhaps start talking and I’d have a decent conversation with it instead.

2004-05-21T02:13:00.000-07:00

When I’m in a dark mood sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I died the following day. I try to enumerate the people who would cry and miss me. Would they weep in my wake and after I’m buried, would they still continue to? Maybe some will and some wont. I don’t know. Life goes on. I’m not expecting them to weep for the rest of their lives. They’ve got their own living to do. Will I be remembered? How will I be remembered? Have I done things that are significant enough to touch their lives?
I think I’ve tried to live my life fairly the way I can. I think I’ve helped people and tried to be an existentialist. I’m not really sure if I’ve done the best that I could because sometimes, I’m so jaded and consumed by self-loathing. But since I’m a contradiction, I bounce back and look on the brighter side of things. I mean what else could I do? I don’t want to be dark and pessimistic all the time. I find it such a drag when I come across people like that. I can’t say that I’m pretty little miss sunshine. Hell no. But I’m not a dark person either. Well, I can’t really understand myself sometimes.
So when I die, are there people who have actually understood me? It doesn’t matter. No point to it. I’m just trying to live life the only way I know how.

2004-05-18T20:20:00.000-07:00

Took a friend out last weekend. She was feeling down.
We went to a friend’s bar trying to avoid the “scene” and responding to the lure of an open bar on Johnny Black scotch. I’ve always been in good company with Johnny B. He’s a favorite among friends, specially mine.
Johnny B. gave a good hit after 3 glasses so I decided that it was time for a beer. Went to the bar and got myself a nice ice-cold bottle. My other friend took me aside and introduced me to a group of people. And without warning, my hit deserted me. There he was standing and smiling. He thinks that we’ve met before, but to me-I don't think I've ever seen him before in my life. Nevertheless, I lied and said the same. We had started conversing when this idiot former love interest of mine butt in. So I quietly left. I didn’t get to see or talk to him after that. He stuck to my head the rest of the night while my friend got drunk and threw up.
I’m wondering if I’ll ever see him again. It’s been a while since I’ve had a crush. I've got a silly smile stuck on my face. It feels light, dreamy and nice.

2004-05-14T01:33:00.000-07:00

Office gossip. Damn thing never ceases to exist. And like the many kinds of gossip, it’s as creative as it can be. And people always wonder why there is office gossip. So my answer would be that some people turn their work into their lives. It becomes so boring that they would have to add spice into it. So the spice would have to be gossip. It’s like the work place becomes a soap opera or some tv show and the gossip is the story line. Work can only be interesting if it’s your passion and that if you’re a workaholic but to a lot of people it becomes routinary and boring. So gossip adds the humor, the drama, the conflict and to sum it all up, it adds excitement. It’s terrible if you become the subject of the nasty rumors around, but I tell you, every person is a subject at some point. Gossip circulates and everyone gets picked for a story line or two.

2004-05-14T00:28:00.000-07:00

I have been going out too much. I was out almost every night last week.
And what do I get? A fever and a very bad sore throat. Been drinking and smoking too much. So I stop them altogether. So my life basically turned into endless days of waking up, going to work, going home, watching tv and writing in my very personal journal. Well, it’s just a small notebook containing the many thoughts that I have each day that I don’t wish to show or share with anyone. If anyone read it, I might as well be dead.

Anyway having a mind that is utterly restless and needing constant stimulation-be it from a philosophical conversation, tv and movies, I needed another drug to sort of keep it preoccupied (even if it always is.) And that drug of choice are books. I had nothing new in my room so I started to read the book “The Unbearable Lightness of Being” again. The story remains the same. I never really expected it to be different, but what I find interesting is that arguments and points made by the writer made sense in different ways. I find that books can sometimes be like a kaleidoscope. They offer different views and all the while they can be found and contained in just one thing.
The probable explanation for this is that I’m getting older. Arguments and points become more interesting and complex that I have to constantly debate on the different ideas that occur in my head. Sometimes I think that I’m going nuts. I have to tell myself to relax because too many thoughts are racing through my mind. So I tell my mind to go blank. It follows for a while but it only lasts seconds and then it’s back to its thought processing again.
It’s only books, music and the beach that calm my mind and altogether. If they did not exist, I would’ve run my head into a wall and knocked myself unconscious.

2004-04-30T00:14:00.000-07:00

Damaged by Plumb

Dreaming comes so easily
'Cause it's all that I've known
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would I know
I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm ashamed
And I need for you to know
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know
There's mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger
I was just a little girl, but I can't go back

2004-04-28T23:48:00.000-07:00

Should I stay or should I go? I've been contemplating on this matter for almost a week now. Tomorrow will be the final day for me to give my decision. It's comforting and safe to stay and a risk to go. But if I stay in this confined safe state, I will not grow. It is a bit scary to embark on another journey when for some time I have grown accustomed to this environment. But then life is about different journeys and taking risks. And the only way to survive and remain strong is to have faith

2004-04-28T02:39:00.000-07:00

I've been reading the beautiful writing of my friend Margie and have kept a Journal in another website. It's only now that I've decided to set up my own blogspot. Sit back, relax and I hope you guys enjoy the entries of what my seemingly simple life has to offer.